Avy jorrāelza Jane
by LJgreentigers
Summary: This is a story about my life, my past, my present, and the future I dream of having. And there are challenges, there are roadblocks, but that doesn't stop me from loving you.
1. Chapter 1: Meeting

**I know it's been an extremely long time since I've written, it's been a rollarcoaster of a ride through life and eventually I want to get back into this, I'm more of a streamer/YouTuber now but lately I've felt like writing again. This is my story. About a woman I fell for who I shouldn't have fallen for and what events take place in the story they start off real, but turn into something hopeful as well as a wantingness. Maybe writing will help clear out my head. Enjoy. These characters are completely based on real people with names changed.**

Hi! I'm Zeenz Sasn, lemme keep it brief as far as introductions go and get straight into the story! I'm a college graduate from the University of Montana in organ performance. I'm a hardcore gamer as well as musician. Sometimes I wonder if I should've gone into gaming as a career, like computer science or programmer and the like. But here I am, in this beautiful state of Washington. I moved here for my career in the church I now currently work at. I've been here almost two years and I love it here. I'm half an hours walk away from my job, ten minutes to the store and fifteen minutes to the bank. All I need is right here in this house that I've lived in. My landlady is a nice ole woman she's in her 80s now and she is the best housemate one could ask for. I had a job, I had a career, I had a place I could call home, but I was missing something. You may have already guessed it, but I was missing the love of my life. I was twenty-four now still single, no relationship, and not even a family to come home to and kiss goodnight and cuddle and snuggle with and be with forever. I had everything I ever wanted, I was streaming 4 days a week, playing video games all the time, I had over 1700 games and 20 consoles and still it wasn't enough. Love and me just never worked out. I fell in love, they found out, I got over it, I moved to another only to repeat the process over and over and over again. And that was another thing, I was gay. I didn't like dudes. Now you may know why Zeenz? Well you could ask my author, but yes I am a female with short hair, the PRIDE bracelet on her arm and dressed so like a boy that people think I was one. But more on that later, I'm going to jump right into the meat of the story right away, and as it progresses you'll know more about me, my character, and my author at the same time. This is a different kind of story. And this is MY story, least story that I wished and hoped and prayed for to come true.

I felt awkward, I was standing in the middle of a room full of bell choir tables and stands and I was here. My mom said I had needed to "get out more" meet more people and what not so I decided to join the communities bell choir. I didn't know anyone here but one person, and she wasn't even here yet, I was with the director and her family, father and daughter and other than that this was completely new to me. As they pulled bells out of their cases I just stood there, I didn't even know where they would put me. The director came over to me, "So Zeenz, would you prefer hi or low bells to play?"

"Well am a better reader at bass clef what with trombone all through middle, high, and college. I would prefer low bells if that's alright?"

"No worries, just wanted to know your preference." She walked over to some low bells that her daughter put out on the table for rehearsal, "How about I put you on low E & F, next to Jane. Yes yes, that'll do."

I nodded and walked over to the bells, they were slightly bigger than the biggest bells we had at my church. Since we only had two octaves and this choir used five octaves of handbells. It didn't matter, I loved playing low bells, made me feel like a very strong woman! I picked up the bells to feel the weight, at work I played very teeny high D, E, F, G and played those four in a hand. Nope couldn't do that here! I was messing around and I flipped through the music, jeeeez there was so much of it! Are we really going to do this all for the Christmas concert in a few months!? Can't be! Some of this music isn't even "Christmas-y"!

Soon more and more people started showing up, I wondered if there would be anybody young in this group, or if I would be the youngest yet again in a usual group of ringers. And that's when I saw her.

There walking in the doorway with her head down in black shoes, adidas, like mine, pants, and t-shirt that I don't remember now, but it was her face and body that stopped my breathing for a few seconds. It was a **young** woman. Not a 50 year old, not 70 but **young.** Was I dreaming? Someone this young can't be in this advanced group? Could they?! As she came over things were rushing in my head. Was joining this group, I'm going to meet someone? A forever someone? Was she single? Was she bi? Gay? Did she already have a relationship? She was so beautiful. And she looked like she was early twenties! Maybe even younger than I was! I hoped she wasn't in high school. Already been there done that. No not done, well had a crush. Nevermind. But I watched her as her head was down on her phone, keys in her hand as she came to the back row and next to me! So **this** must be Jane!? I was so in shock and loss of words I couldn't even scrounge up the courage to say even a hello. I was at a loss with this beauty next to me. I think I managed a, "H-he-hey." And my social awkwardness gave a big old smile. I probably looked like an idiot. She said hi back and that was pretty much it.

The rehearsal passed and it was fun, we determined we couldn't play in a few weeks on Sunday because not only could I not do it because I work then, but there were others. So luckily all the music in the binder was not all for Christmas. Jane was on her phone most of the night, which I felt was odd. I tried cracking light jokes of what I would say as either a director or just to appease teenagers. I really didn't know how old she was. And afterwords I got a ride back home and didn't think of her again for another week.

The week passed by slowly, not because it usually was slow, but I was anxious about my choir rehearsal still, I started it months ago at an earlier time, but it seems like only about four people show up every week and one member can't be at rehearsals until November. It was only Tuesday the 2nd of October so one more month really. And my bell choir met tomorrow. And there were only 4 of us. There were 5 for the first week, but then the lady who came said she couldn't do it anymore and now it was harder for me to put 4 people on two octaves of handbells and they were all beginners but myself. But oh well, we would do our very best. No the whole reason the week passed by so slowly was that this weekend was HOMECOMING! I was going back to the university where I graduated from for marching band and the game and marching band mind you was my life for nine years of it. I was super stoked! But this week was gonna be soooo slow! I could NOT wait!

I texted my mom Wednesday morning, "Do you know when yet?" to ask about when she will pick me up from Washington to go back to Idaho for a smaller trip before heading out to Missoula on Friday for the game. After about 45 min she replied back, "It is looking like Thurs about 2." And then after I finished my stream I told her it was okay. I was so excited and I had waited **all** year for this day to come and when it was over I would have to wait a whole another year for the next one. I **loved** marching band as if it were a part of my soul!

When Thursday came I was already late on my laundry and so I was trying to get my favorite pair of jeans washed so I could take it with me to the game and as I finished my last minute of packing mom came in the door. I said a brief good-bye and left the house. I was going **back!** And I was going to march again! As a 2nd year alumni, but still! I was SO excited! When we picked up McDs on the way back (like I always try and convince my mom to do) We caught up on life. I told her all about how Sunday went. My first week in the bell choir, I didn't tell her about Jane, if I did it was through a passing of, hey there's somebody else young in it! She said that was great and not to jump the gun and just be friends first. I told her of course!

We arrived back in the house and as I walked into the house, "Woah." I froze well tried to as my 9 year old black dog came bounding up to me trying to lick and jump at my face. "Sirius down! Stop! I know sissy is home stop!" He was a black lab mix and his name was Sirius Lee Black (seriously black) if you didn't get that. Our family thought it was cleaver! **A/N: This is actually my dogs name I don't feel the need to change it. :P**

"Oh yeah honey, we are trying to sell the house,"

"I thought that wasn't going to be until the summer, or even spring?" I listened for dad, but of course he was at school, he wasn't going to be home for a little bit. He was a choir director for the charter school in the community.

"Yeah well, your father." And enough was said about that. I set my stuff down and finally paid attention to my brother his tail was wagging furiously.

"Aww how's my boy? How's my brother?!" I petted him and then I got up and did a stance and shuffled forward a little bit trying to scare him, he took that as playing so he rushed off. I chased after him. He flew down the stairs faster than I ever thought I would ever go and he grabbed his rope and came rushing back up. I started playing tug-of-war with my brother laughing, that is until he decided to cheat and lay down. That's when I let go of the rope and went to help mom get dinner.

"So is dad coming to the game?"

"As far as I know yes, he really doesn't want to, but I of course already paid for the ticket."

"Yes of course." Dad just wanted to stay home and pack more of the house as well as get school work done. Even though he'd be watching football anyways, his favorite sport to watch alll the time. It drove my mother nuts. Soon dad came home and we had dinner and slept. We would be leaving early in the morning so we could get there in time for the alumni rehearsal in the music suite before meeting the current students on the field at their rehearsal time from 4:10-5:30.

The next morning however we didn't have as early of a start as mom would've liked and we barely made it in time for the afternoon rehearsal, as we played through the music I noticed they gave me 1st Trombone part, I was a 3rd Trombone, but even after not being a part of this band for 2 years they mostly had the same music and so my really good memory managed to still have most everything memorized in my head and so I barely glanced at the music at all! Amazing how music has an effect on the brain! After words we walked to the field and watched the current students do their show for us and I started tearing up letting a few tears fall. I missed marching band so much. And this didn't make it any easier. I wanted to be out there, with all the other kids marching with them. But alas I couldn't. I was a graduate now, and I had responsibilities back home of my work and life after college.

We did our rehearsal for what we would do at halftime and afterwords mom and I left the field that's when I did start crying and she just hugged me close saying, "Hey you have Scottish country dancing now!"

"I know mom, it's not quite the same, I still miss this."

Game day came and the homecoming parade was first. We marched behind the Grizzly Marching Band and then after we finished with the parade we at lunch at a persons house, it was pretty much our tailgate and then we headed for the stadium. We watched the band do pregame (one thing I really didn't miss) Then it was kickoff! We marched/played at halftime and that was basically the day. I was jumping up and down and screaming and yelling almost the whole time! We ended up losing the game, but in my heart I won because I was a part of the band again. Even if I just stood next to them the whole time. Coming back home sore and tired, I was glad to be back home. My mom said that I would just stay the night and in the morning take me back to the church. For she was even more exhausted then I was, I didn't mind. I got to see Sirius again. So I was a happy girl, well bittersweet. I missed marching band, but there would be something else I would miss more in the future months to come.

 **This is the first "week" of the book. I hope you enjoyed! All the events that took place are purely true! There will be more to come. For I need to write this out. I hope you enjoyed the first Chapter! I might even do this on a weekly basis myself. Not sure yet, but stay tuned for Chapter 2 because the faster I write about the past events the more I could get to current and future that I would like to happen. Thank you for reading! :D Oh and you can probably guess who Jane will be ;P**


	2. Chapter 2: A Good Friend?

**Welcome back to more of this story! I'm anxious to get to current time on this story so I'll be writing alot trying to get the past caught up onto the present! I hope you enjoyed the first chapter! And bear with me, I do have a busy life, but I want to write as much as possible! Enjoy!**

So it's Sunday, October 7th, and my choir sings today for church, it is their very first piece they are singing and luckily it is in Unison so the preparation over the past month will have paid off. In fact I think my choir was kind of getting bored of the piece if I were being realistic. But it didn't matter, they were going to sing it and it was going to be awesome none-the-less! I couldn't wait! As I got to the church a little bit early to make sure I was well practiced for the service I went through the piece just one more time, I even would be singing along in the piece. Of course my voice was shot as of yesterday's game and I was completely sore still and tired, but I was doing what I love, which is being a musician in a church.

The service went without a hitch. My choir sang beautiful and it was a good day. I even wore my Griz pep band collared shirt I had and just told my boss that this was a rare griz weekend for me as I'm all decked out. Even though I wasn't going to be going to a pep band game. It would've made total sense to wear this shirt for church in Missoula, here it felt awkward. In a state where the word Griz is the demon as it's one of the Universities here that is the rival school. *ahem EWU. But as far as I knew nobody was an Eastern grad, in fact I knew of a griz grad right here in the congregation! Whoo!

After church I got a ride home from someone so I didn't have to walk and I got home and sat down in front of my computer mostly listening to music, or doing whatever to pass the time until it was time to head to bell choir rehearsal. I was super excited, tonight I would try and get Jane to laugh more and less on her phone. It was now my goal to become her friend. I mean. It can't hurt, especially if we turned out we got together. What a story to tell our kids! Mom and mommy met at bell choir years ago. That's how we came to be together. It was SO sweet, at least in my eyes it was.

All too soon I got a text from my ride saying when they'd be coming and I jumped up from my chair, made a quick trip to the bathroom, grabbed my keys and gloves and walked out the door. It was the whole family coming to pick me up this time. So I sat behind the passenger. From the smell of it, they just picked up fast food. It sure smelled good, but I didn't say anything. When we got to the church I decided to be more of a helper and I got out my bells as well as Jane's next to me, least what I thought she played, so down to low G. And sure enough a few minutes later she walked in the doorway. So at least I knew it wasn't a dream I made up that she existed. She was actually real. Tonight I made sure I got a hello out and she replied back politely.

Through the night I kept cracking jokes, trying to defuse any kind of tension there might be between us, I learned that she had graduated from EWU. Ugh rival school but I smiled nonetheless and kept a conversation going as best as possible. I also found out that she loved Carol of the Bells. It was one of her favorite all time Christmas Carols, I told her I didn't really have any, and I just hated ones that were overused so much. She had nodded in agreement.

When the rehearsal was finishing up the director said, "Okay guys could I get your phone number and email so I contact you immediately if anything pops up, I don't quite have everyone's number I think, so fill this out please?"

I looked up and saw a sheet of paper at the front, I almost jumped to be the first one to put my name down, but I smarted up, I wanted to wait for Jane to put her contact info down. Maybe I'll learn her last name. Does she even have a Facebook? Ooh I could memorize her phone number! Or at least try to. I will try and memorize it as best I can and when I get back home I'll enter it into my contact info. I watched as Jane went and put her name down on the sheet and smiled. I was going to search her asap when I got home. Once she left I strolled up to the front and waited for someone else to finish writing on the paper and I looked down, I tried writing slowly enough to not only write my information down but also look at Jane's. It turns out her last name was Hansson. Jane Hansson. Hmm interesting. I looked at her phone number the area code was easy to memorize but I tried as fast as I could repeating the numbers over and over again of her phone number. Which for obvious reasons I won't put in this story.

Afterwords when I got home I was so excited. If she was single. I would lay allll the moves on her. I had to. She was the only person who I actually found very attractive in such a long time. I went to Facebook and opened up the browser. I typed in her name: Jane Hansson. Her profile picture was of her and her dog. Okay that's a good sign. No relationship in sight yet. I clicked to her profile and saw her cover photo of just a couple of dogs. Aww adorable she was a dog lover! Good! I loved dogs too. And then I looked at the left side where basic information was. And my heart. Dropped. Like a pin from the top of the empire state building down and down, no sound but the needle dropping to the ground only to burst into thousands of pieces. I read:

"In a relationship"

Frantic I went immediately to her About page and read:

"In a relationship with Kyan Lawerence since December 2013" And the profile picture wasn't even seeable the "guy" was on a motorcycle with a helmet on. I mean at least he protected his head.

My heart stopped beating and immediately I had the reaction. No no no. This CAN'T be true. 5 years!? 5 YEARS?! No no, this wasn't supposed to go like this. No, I thought the whole reason me getting out of the house and joining a group was to find someone, help me to find SOMEone. And I finally had. But no. This. This is fucked up. Suddenly my motivation, my happiness. Was sucked out of me. Gone. Vanished. My mind was one second so happy, almost excited, and now I felt nothing. Jane was in a relationship. I searched her profile more. Indeed she graduated from EWU. Wait a minute. High school. Class of 2005. What the fuck?! That would mean if my calculations are correct. She is 31 years old! WHAT. I swore she looked **younger** than me! She was **older** than me? **Older?!** This can't be true. None of it! And yet, there it was, all in front of me... She wasn't single, she said on her facebook that she's only interested in men. Well fuck my life then. This is a fucked up world and now another potential is denied to me. **AGAIN.**

Well one thing was certain. I'm not the type of person to fall for someone in a relationship. That's just not **who** I am. I have too good of heart to do that. I'll just not think about her, focus on my career, focus on streaming and be all good. Oh but only if I knew that was so possible in itself...

 **I know this was a shorter chapter but I hope you enjoyed! Don't worry the meat will be coming. I just gotta get through October first. Meat will come when December comes. Obviously since it's the present right now. Hope you enjoyed! Until next chapter! Happy viewing!**


	3. Chapter 3: The Wedding

**So this chapter may have some M content and somethings I share on a personal personal level. I wish you to respect me and my decision for what I did in this chapter and do not judge too harshly. Thank you, otherwise I hope you enjoy reading this chapter.**

"Hi Laura, is there any chance you are free for the wedding? If so, I was wondering how much you charge for the "wedding march" music. If you're not free that's fine too, but I figured I would ask you first since we are familiar and I am aware of your musical talent from witnessing it myself! :)" I received the text over Facebook on the 23rd of September after I finished streaming for the night. It was for a couple in the community. They were young and had been together for about 8 years and their love was something I wish I could have. This would be the first wedding I will ever official be playing for so of course I replied back saying, of course as a yes as they had been announcing their wedding to the church for the past few weeks. When I would get to work on Tuesday my next day at work I would go and find the music, in the meantime making sure I had a back up copy online to see if I had it.

There wedding would be Tuesday October 16th, and I couldn't wait for it! A wedding that **I** would be playing for whoo-hoo! It was going to be exciting, the last time I played for a "wedding" was not even remotely professionally done and this one would be! Plus it would be in a different denomination than what I grew up with so that in itself would differ.

So a few days later I went to work and looked up "Here Comes the Bride" and realized that I did indeed have the music which was great! Because now I didn't have to buy it online or try and find it for free online. I also had doubled check on Sunday to make sure Trumpet Voluntary in D Major was okay as the Postlude and she had confirmed that it was absolutely beautiful and perfect. So I grabbed those pieces of music and my binder of music for Sunday and got to work before duet handbells would take place at 4pm.

Time seemed to fly by fast and before I knew it it was the night of the wedding. I arrived about an hour earlier than usual and got ready for the wedding. I dressed formally but I didn't have any colors of the wedding so I just wore my usual black outfit top and bottom since I really didn't own anything else that was professional. It felt very awkward at first because I just sat there and there was no pre-service music, but it didn't matter. Soon it was time for me to play Here Comes the Bride and I did and by the time I finished it they were both at the altar. It was perfect timing.

I realized something though as the ceremony kept going on. I was up sitting at the organ and I was by myself. I didn't have a wedding buddy. I didn't have a partner. I was single as fuck. I had no dates for years, hadn't been with my last relationship which was 3 years ago. And I was sitting at this wedding. With no one. Trying not to think about it I thought about their love that they shared, and then the vows came. Tears came from both of them. And I tried not to cry, trying to be professional, and sides if I started crying I wouldn't be able to read the postlude music. The sermon came and the priest she talked about love, how special it was to have, how amazing it was to have that partner you could love and trust for the rest of your life. This was the hardest part. I was still at the organ, and I was sitting stiffly. I was uncomfortable, not because I could potentially be stared at because I was sitting just behind the priest, but because I had **no one.** I took the nook inbetween my thumb and first finger and pinched as hard as I could to keep from crying, my heart was aching by this point and I couldn't feel anything but pain. Usually the place on the hand you applied pressure to get rid of a headache. For me it was to try and get rid of heartache and not start crying right in front of everyone.

I changed hands as she droned on and on about how great love is, how awesome their relationship will be for the rest of their lives. **I was single. For four fucking years.** I dug deeper and almost let out a gasp. Tears almost came to my eyes because of the pain I was starting to feel in my palms as well as my heart. It hurt so bad I just wanted to scream out gasping for breath. But I kept my mouth shut and my eyes glossy. Finally which seemed forever she finished the sermon. They had a bit of communion and then exchanged rings, I don't really remember the order I was still pinching myself as hard as I could. I glanced down there were claw like finger marks on the insides of my hands. I did't break skin, but I might as well have. Eventually they started walking out and I played the postlude. As I finished the last note a tear was shed. And I could barely breathe.

The unfortunate thing was I couldn't just leave to go home, they were having an after party potluck and of course I had to stay. So I quickly rushed back to my office shut my door and cried. I sat down at my desk chair and cried for at least 5 minutes. Heaving and breathing harshly. Tears flowing out my eyes as if it was the most natural thing to do. I was so hurt. **I was single, and I have never experienced that sort of love before.** I just felt like dying, but soon I would have to go downstairs. I put away my outfit I wore quickly, went to the bathroom and went downstairs with a fake smile on my face. It wasn't the first time in my life I've had to fake a smile.

I came downstairs and there was food everywhere. I went and sat down by a few people who came to the ceremony and waited until the food was ready to be dug into. But I wasn't that hungry. Not really anyways. But if I didn't eat, people would definitely notice I wasn't eating. So I got up and got a bunch of food on my plate as if I was the happiest person to be here, but I wasn't. Every once in a while I heard the congratulations from across the basement and I refrained from cringing and crying. It was killing me to be here. But I stayed.

Soon they were opening gifts. And by this time I had finished my plate so I got up and walked over to a chair closer to the "showing of the gifts" and watched them open up their gifts. I didn't get them anything because I didn't even think of it until it was too late, and I really didn't have much money myself living on a tight budget as this job was only part-time. So I figured just playing music for them and them underpaying me was a fine gift itself. I laughed at the joke gifts, I happily fake smiled at what they received, and I pretended I was as happy as they were feeling. But in the meantime inside my body, my heart was getting worse and worse to bear. I knew I would have to leave soon or I was going to break down crying in front of everyone this time and not just to my desk. So I grabbed my coat and my backpack told them congrats one more time and they thanked me again for the music and I stuffed in my earphones for my iPod and I walked out of the church headed for home. This is when I had cried the most walking home from the church and also the hardest as I couldn't see I was blinded by tears, as well as I couldn't breathe as I was gasping for air trying to clutch my chest and my heart trying to keep them and all of it together. I was dying.

Later that night I went to bed early, not even feeling like streaming on YouTube even though I usually did, my excuse was that it was because the wedding had happened. But as I laid in bed I felt miserable, I was alone, nobody to snuggle with tonight. I had no friends, no family, and most of all no relationship. I was alone, by myself, and really down. I decided to do something drastic. I leaned over in the darkness to my nightlamp and flipped it on. My eyes adjusted to the light and I saw the silver of the green handled knife I kept on my shelf right next to my bed. I smiled sitting up. Tonight I don't want to feel pain, I just want to see red, knowing I can still bleed.

I grabbed a tissue out of the box also on my shelf and grabbed my knife. It was rather dull so I took off my watch and on a sharp part of the watch I raked it against the blade of the knife sharpening it. I wasn't wanting the pain, only a sting tonight. Once I finished I took off my wristband on my left arm which was the logo of The Legend of Zelda and put that and the watch I wore on the hand on the shelf. I looked at my arm. Damn it was already basically healed from last time. The word "HATE" barely visible on my arm. Only slightly pink from the last time I had cut in the summer. It had been months since I did this, since I had felt so down. But today's wedding literally destroyed me. I shouldn't have gone, I shouldn't have done it, because it hurt too fucking much.

I took a deep breath, kissed the knife and got to work making sure I could feel every cut that went deep. I started with the "H". It seemed to cut more easily this time blood swelling up almost immediately as I tried cutting hard and deep. When I finished the H I moved onto the A. Then the T. Finally the E. By this time blood was swollen up so much it started having tear stains run down my arm. I took the tissue and patted at my arm, I think I would have to shower tomorrow. All this time my heart was not exactly happy, it just didn't feel anything. I'd take that over pain any day. After applying pressure for a few minutes with the tissue I cleaned the knife off kissed it and put it back on the shelf along with the bloody tissues. I then turned off the light and snuggled up under my covers. I kept my cut arm out in the open air just in case it was still bleeding it could clot. I didn't want to have bloody bed sheets and I fell asleep almost immediately for this process took about an hour long.

The next week passed by slow and fast at the same time, I was preparing myself for another concert that I would be accompanying for as it was my other job I had and I was so busy with my mind that I just told people I couldn't stream for the week. Saying I'm just too busy, that and my microphone was causing problems, people were saying that I kept cutting in and out as I tried to have a conversation with them so I just gave up and committed to ordering the Razer Siren X and it should be here within the following week. Sides I felt drained from streaming 6 days of the week. I might have to change how I stream. As for recording on my YouTube channel, I hadn't done that for a couple weeks and I ran out of footage, but there was no motivation or time to get any of that done. I was also depressed because there had been no bell choir rehearsal on Sunday night this week. So I didn't get to see or talk with Jane at all. Not like it mattered, she was taken anyways. Everybody was always taken. The ones **I** of course wanted. My depression was coming back, I could feel it, no matter how hard I didn't want it to come. I knew it would be coming.

When the concert came I was ready, I had learned the pieces very well in advance and I knew them by heart almost. They would be having the performance at the high school. And I was pretty happy for it. Least I wouldn't be playing on an electrical keyboard but a real one. I did the rehearsal with the kids at the middle school during the day and at night had the evening concert. It was an enjoyable concert, I just wished I had someone next to me enjoying it with me. My thoughts turned on Jane, what if she were here, would she would've wanted to come and listen to these kids sing? Well maybe so, maybe no.

This was also the first concert of the year with the new director. The previous director, Ash, I had fallen for so hard over the summer. I had finally accepted from the time she was my boss as her accompanist over last spring that I was gonna accept my feelings for her. And had over the summer, I even drew a picture of her, started writing a composition for her, write a story about her (kind of like this one), but once I finally opened my feelings she had told me she was moving out of the state with her then boyfriend. A few short days later she got engaged to him. I mean she had two kids, and I really wasn't looking for someone with kids, but I would've accepted hers, they were adorable and quite young. So the youngest boy probably would've considered me his mother. Even though I wasn't the one sexually involved. But it was too late, she had moved away. I had fallen for someone taken **AGAIN**. And I was back to square one of having no feelings. And this new director already had kids in high school and married for many years, so no spice there anyways. Which I was fine with. But I really missed Ash. Very much. She seemed to recognize me more as an accompanist and a person too. But it's fine I'm used to not getting recognized as being one. And this concert was no exception to that usual rule.

After the concert as I walked home from Shadle I was singing my heart out because it seemed that happy tunes came up in my playlist and I was pretty much screaming happiness out. But as soon as I entered the house and walked to my room. The sadness hit me like a brick. Back home. Alone. By myself. **With no one.** And this was only the beginning of a long journey of sadness, hate, and pain...

 **So sorry if this was a little too deep for people I did warn you! I would ask if you enjoyed? But this was a really sad chapter. And it only gets worse before it gets better. I'll be posting Chapter 4 up fairly soon. I really want to get back to the present like I am now. I'm just trying to quickly get through the past. Thanks for patience. Until next time: Happy viewing!?**

 **LJ**


	4. Chapter 4: Reaching Out

**I know it's been a few days since I've last written. Things happened in my life. Good things at first. But I need to write again. The feelings only have gotten stronger. If I write these down. Well I still have yet to get to the present time. I hope you enjoy this chapter. I really enjoyed writing this one. For this is one where my feelings start to happen. Enjoy!**

A few weeks passed even further. And I was getting more and more sad, more and more depressed. A few days I would allow my cuts to be healed but then I would just cut deeper the next time. Soon the word 'HATE' would take over my wrist and there would be no way it would ever go away. I know it. But I didn't care. I didn't want to live anymore. Each day was more depressing. The weather was changing to be more chilly, more cold, and I didn't even feel the cold. I was numb all over. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't live. Every day I walked to and from work all I wanted to do was step in the street and get hit by a car and not feel anything anymore. I wanted to die. Nobody would miss me sides my parents I guess. I also pushed away from God. If he existed I would've been married by now. He was nothing to me anymore. I hated him. He doesn't exist. At all. There's no such thing as God. Only luck. And I never had any of that either.

It was now Sunday, November 18. The concert would be less than a month away. The concert for the bell choir I was a part of with Jane. That was another thing. Jane and I were more of friends now than acquaintanceship. And I wanted to see if she would add me on Facebook. It was only last week I had given her my gaming card and told her of my channel and Instagram. She quoted, "Don't mind me creepin on all your socials :'D. Hah" I mean I didn't mind. At least she took an interest. I didn't post anything bad much on there, course I was also true to myself. I usually posted more personal things on my Instagram and never on Facebook. If people on Facebook knew what I posted on Insta well that would be a field day after all. So I didn't mind for Jane to know the real me so to speak. And now tonight I would ask if she wanted to be Facebook friends. Take our relationship to the next level. I had known her about 2 months now so I don't think it was completely a bad idea.

Towards the end of the rehearsal I kept waiting for a right time to ask, but because the concert was less than a month away it was harder to find a time to ask the question but I finally asked her. "Hey Jane?"

"Yeah?"

"I know we are probably friends right? Can we be friends on Facebook, do you have a Facebook." Hey now. I didn't want to seem like I was stalkerish telling her I already knew she had one from the 2nd week of knowing her! So I tried keeping it cool seeming to be in the "unknown".

"Yeah I do."

"Okay. Well...would you?"

She giggled, "Sure."

I grinned big, if only she knew how much us being friends on Facebook meant to me. As soon as she said that I sent her the friend request. I wasn't gonna tell her when I sent it, she would figure it out soon enough. As rehearsal finished I of course did my usual watching her go first. Since my ride liked to stay until the end usually. As she left the room I sighed. This was such a bad idea. I was liking her. Alot. And that was a big no no. But I couldn't help it. She was **SO** beautiful. Sides, I could do friendship. That wasn't giving anything away. And I blame the fact I don't even know if I'm flirting with her or not because I haven't flirted with anyone for years. Haven't had any feelings for anyone for at least 3 years now.

Afterwords I walked out with the directors daughter to her car as we got in we talked small talk about stuff that doesn't matter in this story and once I got home I turned on the computer and got settled into just listening to music or watching Disney movies for the remainder of the night. I didn't stream on Sunday's and I was kind of burned out of playing video games. Hadn't played many games since I became depressed, just didn't have the energy and I would probably go to bed early. Mom was coming to pick me up for Thanksgiving Tuesday, I guess I would have to pretend to eat then...

I looked at my phone and saw she had accepted my friend request. Actually accepted it during rehearsal. I looked, it was 8:21 and she had accepted the friend request "59m" ago! Wow so she knew right away! I snapped a quick picture circled the fact she accepted my friend request and drew on a tongue face and then I sent it to her as the first message to my "new friend". Very soon she sent back a GIF basically saying Whoop Whoop! And I sent a tiger rock sticker back. This was going to be amazing! But alas I didn't want to seem too eager. So I just left it at that for the night. I was so happy! A friendship was formulating and I was **SO** happy!

Wednesday morning came super slow. I had on Monday posted another Instagram photo of a quote that felt so real, it was, "I keep it all inside because I'd rather the pain destroy me, than everyone else." True story. Because I was in pain, I was falling for someone taken, and I was trying not to. I was so sad and lonely that I couldn't do anything but pretend I was okay and smile and keep moving forward.

Mom and I got back to the city and that night I tagged along for the ride to their choir rehearsal afterwords there would be a wine & cheese thing going on at one of the members houses and I said hell yea to alcohol. I definitely needed to drink some to forget about a lot of things. Like the pain in my heart for instance. I was so miserable. And beating myself up about her. I shouldn't like her. But I did. She made me laugh, I made her laugh all the time at bells. I was happy, content. Just to be next to her side. It felt so right. It felt so good. And yet, there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing at all. And then I received a text from her. at 4:24. She wished me an early Thanksgiving, she says she's glad that I'm by her in the bell choir saying it makes it better. She invited me to a band concert happening on December 3rd that she was a part of and invited me to maybe join it for next semester. She said she was already drinking early for the holidays and so she was online and outgoing. She had seen my Instagram posts and she felt a tad concerned and said she understood going through shitty ass F bad times and her brother was going through it as well with a terrible year. She said that she was shy and quiet but if I needed someone to talk to she'd be there. She even asked if I played Pokemon Go and we could go for a walk some time. Wished me a last great Thanksgiving and that she'll see me on Sunday for the next rehearsal.

I didn't know what to think. I was so happy. **She messaged me. Jane messaged me.** I couldn't believe it. She reached out to me! She was paying attention to my Instagram! And she enjoyed standing next to me as I did! This was going to be amazing! A great start to the friendship! I would cherish this text forever if I could! So throughout the day into the rest of the night we talked. I learned more about her, and her more about me. I found out she loved hippos, the color yellow, she had a brother. She had 4 pets. I knew a lot of basic information. It was the best conversation I had with her ever and I was so **happy.** For the first time in years I had feelings again. At the time I didn't think anything on it. I knew I liked her, but she was taken, I couldn't, but part of me just was selfish and kept wanting to talk to her.

I knew she was in a relationship but how close was she to this guy of 5 years? Throughout the night she sometimes said, "our". But when I asked her what she was doing that night she said, "I'm just drinking alone tonight." Like okay, so does she live alone? And only sometimes he comes over and stays? Maybe their relationship is distant. Maybe it's faltering. Maybe it's a boring relationship with no juice left. Maybe. Maybe. **Maybe.** There was a chance. But alas I had no clue about him, I never met the dude. I didn't know their relationship. How strong it was, and everybody's relationships were different. I just didn't know what to think. But as our conversation kept going I kept messaging.

When the choir ended we went to the wine place. She had said she would've invited me to her house and I said I would go back to it, but she didn't want to make the drive back to my parents house as it was a 45 min drive and being drunk is a big no no. So I was saddened and then the wine happened and I drank 3 glasses before my mom said that was my last one. I was a bit pissy, but at least I couldn't feel my heart anymore. And I was texting Jane the entire time even telling her I managed to get some alcohol after all. We even started playing this game in the Facebook app called Battleship and I kept whooping her butt. Hmm I felt like the challenge was there, but I seemed dominating, at least I knew I would ask her more questions and get to know her more as we even played a game against each other.

Wednesday night was so amazing. One of the best nights I had in a very long time texting her. And soon deeper into the night I noticed she finally passed out on me. I didn't receive any more texts from her and I was saddened but today had been a really good day to connect more and learn more about this mysterious beautiful woman who stood next to me in bell choir. I went to sleep that night with a smile on my face, a happy heart, and a dream I dreamt that I hadn't had for several years.

The week passed by and we kept talking, she wasn't working this week and so we got to learn about each other alot more and it was nice to actually have a friend responding all the time. We kept playing Battleship and even started a pool game as well, which she beat me on that one. It was amazing. Thanksgiving came and went and soon I was back home waiting for Sunday's rehearsal. Since she had beaten me in a few of the game apps I had given her my first promise I would give her something for beating me, she said she didn't need anything but I had ignored her comment. I would give her the world if I could. I was really starting to like her that much. And so come Sunday I gave her 8 pieces of chocolate, 4 milk chocolate and 4 dark chocolate mini bars from a package of candy I got the week after Halloween. I still had the chocolate because I hadn't eaten for weeks and so I still had it in my bedroom and I wasn't eating it, and she said she loved chocolate so what better way to get rid of it but give it to her.

Her eyes had gotten big at rehearsal when she saw the candy, she had giggled saying, "Zeenz you really shouldn't have."

"I wanted to Jane. Take it, you won those games fair and square and I always keep my promises." She had smiled after that and I was grinning like a kid at Christmas because I made her so happy. And to think though we only had one more rehearsal before our major concert on the 8th of December. And then we wouldn't have bells start up again until January, that would be such a sad time for me. Not having any guarantee I would be seeing Jane every week. It would be torture. And I knew it was coming. I just didn't know how much and how fast I would fall for her in the next few weeks. We are almost to present day and this is where it becomes one of the most challenging things I've ever had to do in my life. But if I had any say in it. I would be her friend forever and never stop. There was just one problem. My emotions always get out of control, and I was treading some mighty thin ice. Any second it would break and I'd plunge into the icy depths never to resurface out of either embarrassment or truth. I would learn that soon over the course of the next few weeks...

 **Thank you for reading, I couldn't sleep at all hardly last night and I just needed to wake up early and write this next chapter. The chapter after this will probably be super long because I'm going to be very detailed as it will be pretty much the most recent thing happening in my life. And I want to cherish the memories of *ahem "Jane" as long as I can. I can't wait to write it, it may be even tonight who knows. But I hope you enjoyed reading and I hope to see you back for the next chapter. Thank you for listening to my irl. It helps to get my feelings and words down on pages even if no one reads them. :)**


	5. Chapter 5: Hanging Out

**So this next chapter will probably be the truest most favorite chapter I have written about my life. I loved writing this chapter and all of the events that took place happened. All my thoughts and everything I put into. I hope you enjoy! :D**

So the week after Thanksgiving passed by super slow. I had just gotten over being sick, but I could tell I was getting sick again. I had been really super sick the previous weekend having to come home to my parents house just so my mom could take care of me. I felt so hopeless, because I had thrown up at my place. That's how sick I was, so not only did I not even eat much food because I was in a depressed state, but also because I was extremely sick. I think I picked it up from work as my boss had been extremely sick the week before herself. And mind you I hadn't been sick for almost two years since I graduated college. So it affected me even worse than usual.

I kept talking with Jane all throughout the week and one day I even decided I wouldn't text her at all. I didn't want to seem too eager to have a friendship. And that was the worst day for me, because all day I kept thinking about how much I wanted to text her, but I couldn't. I was proud I could go a day without her, but I was extremely miserable. Friday came around and I was not in a very happy mood at all. When I got home from work after being rejected by yet another date I thought would happen I took a piece of paper and wrote "REJECT" on it and then posted on my Instagram. I basically said that I kept feeling rejected by people, I couldn't have closure with a woman who catfished me 4 years previously. And I just wondered why I was still even alive. There was just no point to it anymore. Nobody would miss me. It was a pointless thing, but I'll still live for the sake of any people who do care.

At 2:34 I got a Facebook message. It was Jane. She was concerned about me, and once again she was reaching out to me. She said that I was different and people didn't sometimes deserve my presence because I held high standards for myself. And Jane didn't know that the post kinda was about her. I was expecting her to reject me at anytime, just like anyone ever did/does. And we talked about the fact that if I wanted to be happy I would have to change the fact that I wanted her. BAD. But I would have to split up a 5+ year relationship just because I was selfish and I wanted to be with her. So in the end I'm too good of a person to do that. I can't do that to her or anyone, it's just not how I rolled. But of course she couldn't know that so I told her that so instead I said that because me being happy would have to have other people happy, and it just wouldn't work that way. The people involved, aka her. Wouldn't be. Because she'd be split up with a long time relationship. And I even said that this isn't the first time this has happened. I loved a high school teacher, well more like a crush. And the same thing happened with Ash, until she moved away and I quickly got over that. And I even said that it was happening as we speak, which was the reference to her.

She replied back even asking that we could stop chatting and trying to give me a different light of things and of course I said no, just that she was seeing a not so happy side of me that I usually am at bell choir cracking jokes as if everything in the world was perfect, but inside I was dying to be with her. I really liked Jane, and I didn't want to burden her with any of my negativity. She said that she didn't mind, she wanted to go into psychology anyways and this would be her specialty over time. But if only she knew that these feelings were only getting stronger every day. And there was nothing I could do to stop it. My heart never listened to my brain no matter how many times it got hurt. It always had hope.

Eventually conversation moved along and I showed her a picture of the Wii game she had been into. I even gotten a bit of courage to invite her over to my house to come hang out and play. That was when she changed my depressed Friday night to one of the best nights of my life.

"Lemme ask Kyan and let you know. Yeah and then we could hang out and play some video games."

I couldn't believe the text I was reading, "Are you serious?!"

"I wouldn't say it if I didn't want you to."

So before I knew it I was sending her the list of all the Wii Games I owned to see what she wanted me to bring over to play. She mentioned Mario, the Wii Party, and was curious about a rare title of Furu Furu Park. And for me I would bring Just Dance. Just in case she would want to boogie, maybe even do duet songs with me. And 4:30 or so rolls around and she texts me saying she's here.

I pretty much ran out the door shouting out to my landlady that I didn't know when I'll be back home, but I was actually going to Jane's house! I was so excited I couldn't believe she was here. Getting in her car I said, "I didn't expect you to actually show up."

"Well when I said I'm coming I'm coming Zeenz."

"I know just most people I meet always cancel is all." I was watching her, but she didn't look at me as she pulled out of the driveway. This would be the first time I would be going to her house. I would meet her four animals, see her awesome place, get a feel of the home, and well the part I didn't much care for meet this supposed boyfriend. I kinda hoped he would just go out and leave her alone with me, but I didn't want to get my hopes up to high. She mentioned that he probably wouldn't even join in on the gaming. Which shocked me a little bit. A guy who doesn't play video games? What?!

As we drove over I couldn't help but look at her, she was so beautiful. I tried not to make it obvious as I blabbed about anything and the first things that came to my mind. At street lights or stop signs I looked at traffic, even though all I wanted to do was watch her. Watch her hands as they turned the wheel. See her legs move to the motion of putting the car into gear. Seeing her chest go up and down to her breathing, watch her beautiful eyes as she scanned the area for traffic. Hear her lovely voice that I wish I could just cement into my brain and watch her lips move as she spoke. God. I was in trouble. This might be a fun night, but it also will probably kill me as well. All too soon we arrived at her home. She lived right next door to a pizza place and there was community parking on the street, with giant white lines I joked about the fact she probably went there often and she just confirmed it. I was just trying to keep things light was all.

She warned me of the potential dog poop but she said if we went diagonally across the back yard we should be good. I just followed her as I hopped the make shift falling down temporary fence put up to keep her dogs in the yard. She mentioned that the house was painted over the summer but the garage didn't quite get there and she apologized, I didn't mind. To me the house was nothing I didn't even care how messy it was or would be on the inside, my focus would be on her. Of course I'd have to watch myself when Kyan showed up.

When we got inside her little dog came up to me and it was a cute little thing, Zoe, is what she named her and it was so tiny compared to Sirius I almost missed the fact she had her paws up on me, "Why hello there little Zoe, aren't you just an adorable thing-" I was cut off by barking coming from around a little corner and saw the bigger of the two dogs. Huge dog.

"This is Pam. She's a handful."

"That's okay I love animals!" I walked over to the kennel area and let Pam sniff me and then petted her head, she seemed to calm down from barking after that. Before I knew it I heard the front door open and behind me well what I had been standing in after the back door was the kitchen and through the kitchen it turned into the living room. And there was the Kyan guy. He was skinny I'd give him that. He walked over and shook my hand introducing himself. I told him hello and said Zeenz. Nice to meet you.

"I'm going to let the dogs out." I heard Jane say and I turned around and followed her, I wasn't gonna stay in the house with a guy I knew even less for sure. Sides. Me and guys just never mixed well. I had a gaming friend who was a guy and he was about all the guys I could really handle in my life and I knew him for a couple of months now. I grabbed my jacket after I had already hung it on the coat rack and we went back into the nippy air. It was already dark, as it was November 30th already, but I didn't care. I just wanted to be near Jane tonight as much as I dared. I asked her if she wanted to play games first among other things or what not. She said we would and we both watched the dogs go potty. I didn't mind the silence, people always assumed silence was awkward and bad but for all my life to me it was just silence. I was content with just watching her dogs and her occasionally and soon we were back inside.

The first thing we did was play some kind of trivia game on the TV upstairs. She had a big TV too and almost was as big as the fireplace and we all were using iPad's the play the game. Of course I chose the character with the most green on it. Some pink mustached dude, who kinda looked like wharfstache Markiplier. During the game I knew that there would be one winner, one loser, and one in the middle. I had never played this before but I knew right from the start I would want Jane to win. And Kyan to lose. I was content with just having my goal come in 2nd place. You could do things to other players freeze their screen or throw gooey blobs on their interface of the game that could hinder points of the trivia and what not. I'd say about 95% of the time I always focused all my "mischief" onto Kyan. Jane was winning basically the whole game but I only touched her so that they wouldn't suspect I was only focusing her boyfriend. She was sitting next to Kyan on the couch and I was in the recliner sitting sideways to the tv. Pam kept coming over to lick my hand and have me pet her.

"You know you could just shoo her away if she's in your way." Kyan says.

"Nah it's okay, I have two hands," I smiled, "I don't mind she's really no problem at all." I hoped it hadn't sounded rude, but I really did love animals, and I already loved Jane's pets. I had met one of her cats too. It was soft and I loved the colors it had, orange, brown, and black but it wasn't a caleco, the main color it had was grey just with those other colors splotched onto it's fur. Absolutely beautiful.

By the end of the game Jane had won and I managed to get right into 2nd place. I was proud of myself. It turned out the exact way I wanted it to happen. But I hoped that maybe Jane and I could play together maybe she had another tv in a different room or something? I didn't know her house to well. She asked if I wanted a drink. She pulled out the Cream Whipped Vodka she had bought at the store just before we came to her house. And man that stuff was actually pretty good! She then pulled me over to her hobby. She diamond painted. I had never heard of it before she said she did it, kind of like how I did hook rugs. And she was working on one that was her favorite animal. I looked closer, they really did sparkle! In fact I even liked looking at it closer, the difference in some of the colors was even just slightly noticeable and I ran my hand over the painting, it felt really cool too!

"This is really cool Jane! This is going to be a huge one for sure!"

She giggled, "Yeah thanks. Want to go play Mario?"

"Sure!" I then followed her down into the basement where alas my wish came true with another tv. It was much smaller and cooler down here, but it didn't matter. I glanced at the diamond painting that was sitting on a table and it was Beauty and the Beast's rose from the movie and it was about the size of a square picture portrait it was so beautiful, a bunch of blues and pinks mostly.

"No Zeenz, that's not how you're supposed to look at it!" She walks over and takes the painting from under my nose and then steps away a few feet, "Now look at it."

"Oh come on, I like looking at the details up close! I think it's beautiful up close, from a far distance you just can't tell!"

She rolled her eyes but then put the painting back. After trying to figure out how to get her own controller to work we started off playing Mario. Her boyfriend had just stayed upstairs and I was cool with that. As we played Mario I sat right next to her, she was sitting on a footstool and I was in a chair. I really wanted to scoot closer to her, but I didn't want her to take notice so I stayed where I was at as we played. I had so much fun. She kept dying alot, but that's what happens when you don't know the game too well. We manged to get through about 4 levels as well as one boss level before she was done playing it. We moved onto Wii Party next.

We played the Wheel of Fortune version, then the Board Game Island and landed on the Global game, which to be frank I warned her I didn't like and she found out she didn't either, but by that time we had had at least three glasses of that cream vodka stuff, I still knew what was going on, but I wasn't even paying attention to the game. It was all on her.

At one point the other cat, the shyer one had come out as it was curious to know who I was. She had warned me that this cat didn't like much strangers, but she didn't know I was like a cat whisperer, I was half tiger myself. Or at least I considered myself one and the fact that cats loved me, was just a given in itself. Sure enough during one of the games. It jumped right into my lap and settled down for awhile. I pointed at the cat saying, "See I told ya so. They know I'm part of their blood."

She had just smiled. "Yeah okay." And we kept playing.

Through the whole night my focus was on Jane, I watched her to see what she did, I followed her and moved when she moved. I wanted so bad at some points of the night just to lean over squeeze her hand, give her a kiss on the cheek. I was falling so hard for her. Even with her boyfriend upstairs not even doing anything to be a part of our gaming session. At some points I was brave enough to show her photos on my phone and I would "accidentally" brush her hand, just even to slightly touch her. Every time I did I felt my face burn, my center grow hot slightly, and feel electrical currents ping from where I touched her deep down into my heart. When she beat a minigame or completed a level by herself against AI I patted her on the back gently as not only encouragement but also so I had a good reason just to touch her. I almost offered to give her a back massage, but I held my tongue on that one, I don't think we were close enough for that yet, and sides it would've been slightly awkward to just bring it up right away as just a passing of conversation.

She also learned more about me that night. At one point I kept telling her, "I want to tell you, but I don't know if I should. I don't want you to hate me." If she had any clue at all with the fact I felt like I was flirting, she probably was thinking I would tell her I liked her. But no, the dilemma was not about that at all, but about my wrist. The cutting I had done. Even in my fantasy of a relationship with her, I wanted her to know all of me, inside and out. And that would mean I would need to tell her about my cutting. In the end I said, "Jane I need to tell you something, please don't judge me too harshly okay?"

She had a concerned look on her face and her smile had gone away, "Okay, what is it?"

"Well, I even did it a few nights ago. I just- this is hard, but you gotta know if we do become close friends." I was stuttering pacing the room. "Okay just don't hate me."

"I couldn't hate you Zeenz."

I scratched my head and then said, "Alright." I moved my hand to the giant bracelet that hid my scars and said, "I might as well just show you."

By this time she looked down where my hands were at, "Zeenz. Don't you-" I pulled up my bracelet and she saw the red lines of the word, HATE, cut there, it was still healing and red but it was never sore anymore, "God damn it I knew it."

"Oh, you did?"

"I mean I figured it out. People go through shit all the time. I understand, I just myself have never cut."

"I never wanted to. But for me it does help get the pain out of my hear to elsewhere. I also have done it on my thighs."

"Damn it Zeenz."

I put my head down, "I'm sorry, I just wanted you to know in case. And in bells you might've been wondering what was underneath the bracelet, well now you know."

After that I think we became even closer. We played a round of darts, I had never played before but it seemed like fun. I would do anything and everything with Jane if I could. We had gone up for refills of drinks and she asked if I wanted more I said, "Well if you pour it I will drink it, it is up to you." And indeed she kept giving me more. **A/N: So be aware I'm getting really tipsy this far into the night. So my memory is spotty in places I remember alot about that night but mostly I just remember being with Jane. So sorry!**

After darts it seemed to be wrapping up to a close, it was now 2am and I had been there at least since 4:30 if not 5 and it was time to go home. I really didn't want to. But I wasn't the one who lived here. As I gathered up my stuff she walked into the living room and I followed her like I had been all night. And Kyan was there right on the couch he hadn't moved and if anything he looked extremely comfortable and lazy, and he had been watching Family Guy all night long. Every time I came upstairs to get another drink or grab something with Jane he was there, not moving, and to me seemed like not caring that I was a guest in this house. He had offered a me a smoke in the beginning of the night. But I told him immediately I wasn't a smoker. Cigarettes or marijuana, I hated both of the smells of it, but I was a guest so I just put up with the smell, at least it wasn't too noticeable. And I noticed another thing either Jane was being polite with me or she didn't/doesn't smoke either. And that made me happy. I would've been fine if she did. But her not doing it when I was there was super nice.

"I'll see you in a bit Kyan, gonna take Zeenz home."

"Okay." She gave him a peck on the lips and turned around. During this whole interaction I was thinking, where's the "I love you", the "Hurry back home sweetie.", "I'll miss you" something. Anything but "okay." If it were me I would've taken Jane right into my body planted 50 kisses all over her face before ending on her lips and growled at her, almost threatening her to come home soon for I would want to kiss her 50 times more. But all I saw was a peck on the lips and no romantic connection. I could feel no sparks at all, he didn't even pick up his arms to hug her. It was just a peck almost like they didn't even want to kiss. I still didn't look at the kiss because I knew it would kill me to look, but I heard it, and it was very brief. I couldn't believe it. Did he just not CARE?! I almost was pissed off!

I then followed her out to the car and we got in and she drove me home. When we got back I thanked her again for the amazing night I had, probably the best one I've had for a very long time and hope we could do it again sometime, I wished her good bye and to sleep well and I would see her Sunday for the final rehearsal before the concert the next Saturday. I was so happy! I almost didn't get out of the car but stay in there forever, but I knew I couldn't linger too long for fear of her noticing and saying something so I sighed on the inside and got out. As she drove off I watched her. Until I didn't see her car anymore I walked into the house and went to my room.

Tonight was so perfect and the entire time I knew I was in trouble. I was falling for her so hard. I looked down at the latest hook rug I had just started working on, I would have to finish it tomorrow. It was the hook rug I made Jane for Christmas. I hoped she would like it. I was putting all my love into it, and I had only worked on it for three sessions tomorrow would be the 4th and hopefully the final time I would have to and it would be finished. I sighed as I got into my pjs and crawled into bed. Tonight was perfect, the only more perfect thing would be was if I could've held her in my arms, told her I liked her, kissed her goodnight, and told her she was the most beautiful woman in the world I had ever laid eyes on. I fell asleep almost immediately to the first dream I had had for years. And it was all about her.

 **I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter! Keep in mind I'm writing from memory so it may be splotchy, as well as grammar and what not, when I write I just write, I don't go back and change much of anything, so I hope you enjoyed! We are almost to "present" day and when we get there, the story will start going into a different direction! Called in my head! :P Anyways thanks for reading! Until next time, happy viewing!**


	6. Chapter 6: Jane Jane Jane

**I hope you've been enjoying reading this story! Well so far everything in it is truthful! As much as my memory serves at least! We are in the same month now as far as the timeline goes! We are catching up! And soon I'll be able to add my spice of life as fantasy and just take it from there, but without further ado. Here's to another chapter! Enjoy!**

I was super excited come time to get picked up for bell choir rehearsal. I would be seeing Jane the next TWO days! Straight! Tonight I would see her for the final bell choir rehearsal before the concert on Saturday and tomorrow night was the band concert she had invited me to just a few weeks ago. I was so happy! I also had been making her Christmas present. The hook rug. And I had finished it last night. But before I finished all of it I had put a secret message into it. On the face of the rug I took a green marker, which was also my favorite color and wrote the words in all capital letters, "I LOVE YOU JANE." Right on the face of it. And then I put the yarn over the top of the hidden message. Just so that every time she looked at the rug, or touched it. She would be "seeing" those words but not actually seeing those words. I had looked on the back and unless you knew what you were looking for you couldn't tell there was any secret message at all. I felt pretty proud of myself. I didn't know if I loved her yet, but I sure as hell liked her a lot, and who knows by the time Christmas rolled around I probably will have fallen in love with her.

As I finished it I wrapped it it wrapping paper and then wrote her a letter to put onto the package. It took me about half an hour to write, but it came from my heart:

Jane-

Roses are red  
Violets are blue  
This is a gift  
I made especially for you!

This next gift is something I picked out myself  
Not knowing whether you preferred handmade or bought  
I hope you don't mind it's wrapped up in green.  
But maybe you'll find something inside you've seen?

I know my poem is cheesy and weird  
But I used to like writing them, and not out of fear.  
So I hope you have a Christmas that surely is sweet,  
For all I could ask for is having a best friend to complete.

-Tiger Girl

Zeenz Sasn

I knew best friend was something we weren't yet, but who knows maybe by Christmas we would be, I just didn't know. All I knew is I wanted to put as much love as I could into the poem without her knowing it. But I made sure that best friend didn't say lover. That might make it awkward, but I wrote the letter in cursive and closed it up with a ribbon that was green tiger stripes my mom had found years ago at a thrift store for me. I had never thought of using the ribbon before until now. And it seemed perfect. The other gift well, I had bought it weeks ago, barely just learning about her, I kinda hoped she opened that one first as I bought it on a whim, but I guess she would probably tell me in the weeks to come.

All too slow it finally rolled around to going to rehearsal, we would be moving all the bells and tables and pads into the sanctuary for rehearsal and so we started doing that. Of course I still wasn't eating very much still. I hadn't eaten anything all day, but I still managed to scarcely carry up the giant bell cases up the flight of stairs to the sanctuary the whole time I was watching out for Jane. But she still hadn't shown up yet. I was getting worried. I had set out all the bells turned her music to the first piece got her station ready before I set up mine. And still she hadn't come yet. I hoped she would be here. She had said that because the band concert was the next night they had a dress rehearsal, but I really hoped she would come to bells rather than go to that.

Just as I was about my most worried I saw her. She walked in with a plate of something in her hands and her keys. And my God. She was beautiful. She was wearing a sweater, a yellow sweater that had a pattern like ^^^^^ going across her chest. It looked like a Christmas sweater and DAMN did it fit her. The past few weeks she had been wearing athletic type of material which she also looked good in, but tonight. She looked even more beautiful. Maybe it was because we had spent most of the night on Friday together and so I liked her even more, or the fact I had just written on the hook rug, "I love you Jane." Either way, everyone else in the room seemed to disappear and if anyone had been talking to me. My conversation stopped and I just stared at her. She seemed to stand awkwardly for a couple seconds next to the director before saying

"Hey guys I made fudge for tonight, just something for a snack if you want some on break or something."

FUDGE. Okay I really did love her! And then I remembered that I had stopped basically eating. But to be polite I'll have at least one. Sides, I didn't want to make myself sick eating fudge as my only food for the day or feel like a hog if I ate her entire plate. Which alone I would totally do. Everybody seemed to acknowledge her and I watched as she came up. I smiled, "Hey Jane. Fudge eh?"

She smiled, "Yeah. I think it got burned a bit since our microwave doesn't work. But it should be edible enough."

"I'm sure it tastes just fine. I love fudge!"

"That's good."

Rehearsal passed by way too quickly. But every chance I could get I would look at Jane, Barbara next to her was a talker and so most of the time I just looked over to "listen to Barbara" but really it was just to take in Jane. The sweater, god, she looked so perfect. I wish I could just take her hand kiss it and bow to her. She looked so good. And the jeans she wore with the sweater just made her seem like she was glowing. I was glowing in other ways. I knew that Friday brought us closer. And more hangouts like that we would be good friends. I just hoped we could do one soon again.

As I watched Jane I realized that I indeed was falling in love with her. I wanted to kiss her, make her laugh, touch her, hold her, hear her heartbeat, and listen to every single word she said to me. I hated myself for it. But this night if it wasn't for the fact that it could've happened on Friday, but tonight I finally accepted the fact that yes. I was in love with Jane. Not was. Is. I am. Not only do I love Jane. But I'm IN love with her. And when my heart loved someone, it loved them hard and fast, but long too. The last time I let my feelings get to me was with Ash, but before that this kind of excitement, this kind of crush that I had hadn't been since my catfish person 4 years previously. But with Jane. This was no crush. I'm a 24 year old woman, completely grown up and have had "crushes" all my life. No this was me in love, because no matter what happened. I would never break up Jane's relationship. Or at the very least mean to. I wanted her to be happy in life. Even if I had to stay on the sidelines and hurt myself over her. I wanted her so bad, but I knew being friends first and foremost was I wanted.

But her dressed up tonight made me realize three things. 1) She was the most beautiful woman in the room and every time I saw her I lost my breathing, I forgot about anybody else in the room and anything that I was saying was lost into silence. 2) I would do anything and everything for her, if she needed money I would provide, if she wanted to hang out I'd cancel anything I was doing right then and go to her, if she needed someone to talk to, I was always there no matter what it took, I would be there. 3) I was completely 5000% in love with Jane Hansson, I loved her more than I loved anyone and I knew keeping it secret would just make me fall even more in love with her over the weeks, months, years that would pass. I wanted her. Every part of her. I wanted to feel her lips against mine, whisper in her ear to send chills down her spine. I wanted to touch her wrap her up in my arms and never let go. When she shivered I would be the heater I am and warm her up. I wanted to be her sole protector. Like a tiger to it's cub. I would growl at her attackers and purr in her chest when she scratched behind my ears and I wanted to feel her heartbeat against my ears. Lie with her and snuggle her. I wanted to kiss every freckle she had, every hair on her body. I would even just take sitting next to her, feeling her warmth to mine and be with her forever to the end of all days, in marriage, having kids, grandkids, and living to have great grandkids. I was in love with Jane Hansson and I wasn't going to stop.

Well that is unless I was rejected by her. If that ever happened. I would spiral out into darkness again and I would try to crawl and eventually would, only to do the same with another. But that day has yet to come and I hoped it never would. And she was still in a relationship. I would never interfere, it's part of the reason I'm writing this story of our life, at first it was to just let my emotions out so that they could always be kept locked away and never uttered to her in person. And my writing my life to you guys helps release tension I would otherwise have built up. But enough about me, this story is about Jane.

So after rehearsal I got yet another ride home, this time from the daughter of the director and I even mentioned to her that it's so hard to be in love with someone you can't have. She asked how so and I told her I said the woman I was in love with was in a 5 year relationship with someone else. She had just said that sucked. But I told her, if she knew Jane at all she would know exactly who I was talking about, but I don't think they really had much of a friendship at all so I felt pretty safe to say those words to at least someone out there who potentially might've listened.

The next day passed by slowly once again as I anticipated Jane coming to get me for the concert. It was dark out by the time she finally did. And as she had told me she had a brief solo I gave her a couple more pieces of chocolate I still hadn't really touched them, and I maybe had a bowl of cereal for the day, so at least I knew she would eat them. It was the longest car ride by far and I loved all of it. We talked about the concert and I told her that I would probably want to join for the following semester, it seemed like a lot of fun. All to soon we arrived at the college and it was when I saw her in her all black outfit. Damn she looked stunning too. She had a 3/4 length black top, black pants, and wore black flats. She had put her hair up in a ponytail, but I still thought she looked beautiful. I held my tongue though, I figured I probably shouldn't say that out loud as we walked to the building.

At first we stood next to each other. I knew she had to go warm up but I didn't want her to go, I wanted to walk with her if anything, make sure she got there in time, and stand at her side until I had to let her go, but I figured that wouldn't be necessary so as she walked one way down the hall with all the other musicians I walked the other way smiling to myself. I wondered if her boyfriend would even show up. Did he even care to be at her concert? Or would he just want to stay at home and watch Family Guy. I knew that if I was with her, not only would I be a part of the band next semester but I would've wanted to come this early just for support. If I was her girlfriend, no matter how early she had to be here I would be to. I even told her tonight I would sit in the very front row cheering her on. I wouldn't shout and scream though I would want to. The only thing I was missing was the bouquet of flowers and a rose in my mouth. I think that would've been too obvious of the fact that I was in love with her though. That and if her boyfriend did show up it would just be weird. So I purchased my ticket $5 and walked in the room. The money was worth it if I got to see Jane the entire night and stare at her without her really seeing me because of the lights, though I didn't want to stare too long in fear of her boyfriend showing up and watching my every move.

The concert started out with African drumming and I had noticed that the band students and community members were sitting in the audience. I was in the front row and I watched for Jane, but I never saw her. She must've been sitting with **him.** I know it, but I just didn't want to think about that. The first half of the concert went fairly well and I enjoyed myself. Wishing Jane was sitting next to me and I would be holding her hand. Squeezing it three times after every piece. But I just had to dream that part up. Finally it was the band's turn and each person that came out on stage to get ready I watched for Jane. Finally I found her and indeed as she said she was on the very end playing her euphonium. And now that there was light on her she looked even more beautiful. God. I really was falling for her so hard.

During the concert I watched her as much as I dared, afraid not only if her boyfriend was watching me, if he was there, but also if she could see my eyes. I wasn't sure if she could or not, and I didn't want to make things awkward if she caught me starting at her, but I so wanted to. I watched her eyes, the way she breathed, her mouth. her hands on her valves. Everything she did was just mesmerizing for me. And every time I did watch her everyone else in the band faded and I could only hear her. I did hear her playing, there were two euphoniums but I could tell the difference and it was just so amazing to just be here. Ugh I was so in trouble... I am in love with her.

After the concert finished. I said to myself, "Good job Jane. You were amazing." And I then walked back out to where we had split up before the concert as I was leaving the concert hall I did see her boyfriend. He was sitting many rows behind me on the end. I waved at him and he smiled and waved back. Inside I died a little. He was so damn lucky to have her. **SO** damn lucky. As I walked to the place we split I saw her waiting to get into the room with all the cases she was just standing there not talking to anyone and I watched her, she never turned around, but I knew it was her, her hair was distinguishable and I would be able to recognize it forever. Finally the room must've opened and she went inside with the crowd around her. I hope she was doing alright. She was a very introverted person and so being surrounded by a lot of people. I hope she was doing alright. Of course it was only for a few more minutes then we would be on our way home. Well to my house and then hers.

Few minutes passed and I watched out for her boyfriend. He never came back to say congrats, or anything. It's like he just up and just left. Like what the fuck? I mean I guess they live together, but even if I lived with her I would've wanted to go backstage and get her autograph, actually she had a solo tonight so it'd be a perfect opportunity for me to get her signature. So I can feel it and think her hand was writing this every time I looked at it. Eventually she came out with her instrument and we headed for her car. I told her she did amazing and I could hear her. We talked about music and before I knew it we were outside of my house already.

"Do you have a pen? Or a pencil?" I asked looking around.

"Why?"

"Your autograph, when you become famous I can tell people I was your first autograph fan!"

"Oh I don't know maybe if you see one."

I looked around but couldn't find anything, "Damn, well Saturday I'll bring the program and you're going to sign it."

She chuckled, "Sure."

I wished her goodnight and to text me she got home safely as I waved goodbye. I watched as she drove away until I could no longer see her and I walked into the house happy. It was another good night. Two in a row. So perfect. And there was no doubt in my mind, I was joining that band, not only to get my chops ready for the following homecoming at my former university, but also because guaranteed starting in January I would be seeing Jane 2 nights a week. And two nights in a row a week at that.

The next few days were the complete opposite however. Saturday was going to take forever just to come. And the next few days were torture for me. Seeing Jane two nights in a row plus the previous Friday. Were so much happy times, but now it would be 5 days until I saw her again. And it affected me greatly. Every time I tried not texting her I did. I wanted to so bad. I kept blaming myself apologizing that I wanted to. She kept telling me to stop saying sorry but I felt bad about it. I really truly stopped eating all together. When I walked to work on Wednesday morning I hadn't eaten for 43 hours. I just didn't feel hungry anymore. I was in love with someone I couldn't have and I had nobody to talk to. But as I arrived at work I had almost passed out, I even think that the secretary thought something was up, I knew how depressed I was, I hated it, but I hated myself more that I loved someone I knew I shouldn't. It always happened to me. And I never got any release from it. Each day was agonizing. Finally after sending a bunch of messages back and forth at one point I texted Jane saying,

"I'm starting to fall hard for a girl in a relationship and there's nothing I can do about it. As this is the 3rd time this has happened to me. All women I potentially think something happens out of something just stop talking to me. I've asked my parents over and over again about arranged marriage because it the only way now. XD I've "unfollowed" so many people on Facebook because I always see their perfect relationship families. And I'm still single. Been single for 3 years haven't had sex for 4. It's why I'm not eating. Maybe I'm too fat. So I'm trying to lose weight. I stream now to only pass the time and pretend I'm happy girl. When down inside it kills me to stream because I'm just not in the mood. Even just now the secretary came into the sanctuary because she saw me almost pass out in front of her before I ate that bar asking if I was okay. I just bluntly lied to her saying I was fine. Because if she which she sometimes has a mouth as far as can't keep secrets go. If she or my boss knew I was depressed I might as well be looking for a new job. They don't want someone like me leading worship. I stupidly looked to sick when I entered the building. I can't do that too many more times or I may as well be fired. Course then. I'll def have a reason to just leave this fucked up world. And Jane. I would will want to talk to you everyday. You're the glue that is keeping me alive with my broken heart and pieces. Your friendship to me is everything right now. You have no idea. I'm like a kid at Christmas when I get a message from you. You are holding onto me in this world right now. Seriously. And I thank you for that. It's why I text you every day and can't hold back. I need my glue. I need someone or something to live for and you are that person right now. There's a reason I joined bells. There's a reason I told our director I preferred playing low bells. And there was a reason you stand next to me in that choir. You were there and are there. And I needed that. The moment you walked through that door the first night I got chills. Somebody younger than me just walked through that door. She's standing next to me. What's her name? What do I say? Where she from? Is she United Methodist? Will she be my friend? Does she go to school here? Is she single? What made her join bells? Is she on Facebook? Does she play any other instruments? Is she in other groups? Does she love video games? And many many more questions were running through my head that first night. I was such in shock that night to see somebody potentially younger than me and not over 50 in bell choir or under 18. I'm sorry if this is ALOt to take in but it's all true. Please don't disappear now. I don't think I can handle anybody else leaving me. Oh and don't move away. I've made friends here and 3 months later their like. "Oh I'm moving out of town." I'm like wtf we just became friends. So sorry I typed and essay to you just now. I just wanted to tell you everything. You're the glue to my pieces. And you may not realize it but every message I get. The glue for me gets stronger. And soon I'll have a mended heart again. Damn. I've never been this deep to any previous "friends" before. I'm sorry but truly. THANK YOU.

After I sent that message we talked back and forth a bit more. But there was one thing that changed that Wednesday. I told her. I loved someone or falling for someone in a relationship. And as far as my heart is concerned unless she was a very smart woman which I believe she is. I just told her I liked her. My brain was thinking however that I really didn't, I kept texting to try and not have the focal point be on the fact that I just told her, but I told her secretly. And something inside of me flipped. It wasn't immediately, but by that night. I was no longer depressed. I was actually crying happily on my way home from work, because she was my glue keeping me alive right now. She was the reason I didn't want to leave this world yet. I loved her. And I basically just told her right up front I did. But as far as my brain knew, I didn't tell her a single thing. Just my heart thought I did. So I was that happy medium. And I felt a release. I was no longer depressed. Just sad! And that in itself was so perfect!

The next day was better than the previous couple of days but still pretty bad. I texted Jane as much as I could and after awhile she didn't reply back at 2:03pm she was debating whether or not to work out and invited me along. I immediately said yes of course and ended the stream, thinking it would be within the next couple of hours. She wanted to make sure I had some protein because she worked out hard and didn't want me to pass out. So I had some cottage cheese and then even gave a picture as proof. I showered and got dressed and I was ready within minutes. Well we actually didn't work out closer to 5pm for she got out of work late and so it took her a bit to get back home, change, and then come and pick me up.

But this hanging out was completely unexpected and I was super excited! This was the 3rd time I've seen her this week! And I will see her again on Saturday. This really is a good week! That and I told her I liked her, and she didn't know it. It was so perfect!

When we arrived at Planet Fitness I was extremely nervous, this was my first time in a gym and I didn't know what the procedure was, or what was going on. They had me sign my name and luckily because I was just her friend I would just be free. I wondered why her boyfriend never came to work out with her until I remembered seeing him the previous Friday sprawled on the couch doing nothing, yeah I don't see him ever coming with her. Which was a good thing, because I'm her partner here. We come together and leave together. It may not be a romantic partner but I told her in the car that hey, she needed the motivation which I have, and I needed the partner to go with because I didn't want to go alone, and that was her. Together we made a perfect match. She had smiled and nodded in agreement. Hey! I would take it! I had said partner and she didn't deflect me from the word, so I felt pretty good about it.

We first warmed up with legs and I don't remember what the device was called but it felt like walking, just strangely, and no it wasn't a treadmill! And then we walked over to this "30 min session" area. It had steps in an arc and behind most of the steps was a different workout station device thing. At first I was extremely confused but then slowly got used to it. I had Jane go first so I had not only the good excuse to watch her, but also to figure out what the hell these devices did at all. Each station worked a different part of your body. And I seemed to be doing pretty well. The last time I truly worked out was months ago in the summer, but this was so much more intense!

Throughout working out I watched Jane as much as I dared, even sweaty, working out, and listening to me blab I still got her to smile sometimes. I was tired but I just kept pushing myself, I was here with Jane, I would and will workout with her as long as she did. I loved being with her. To me it seemed a more intimate setting. I mean usually when people dated, they didn't want their "potential" partners to watch them sweat and workout. But for me I didn't mind. She looked cute in her leggings and tank top. And admittingly at one point I got really dizzy. I had to take a breather and drink some more water because I felt like I was lightheaded. I had just finished doing leg workouts on the floor one leg up to my chest the other out with my hands on the floor in a push up position. And I had gone as fast as I could almost like running on the ground. I think I had pushed myself a little much on that.

But afterwords walking outside we were both really hot and I was no longer chilly as we got back into the car and she took me over to the church for scottish country dancing. Which I did every Thursday night. I tried inviting her to come in, but she said she was going to pick up dinner for her and her boyfriend. I was a little saddened by this I was so close to getting her to be my dance partner. But she said she found it interesting and might do it in January. Hopefully by that point if I didn't talk about it for the next few months she might join. And if she comes. I would be her "male" dance partner. Lead her and have all the reasons in the world to touch her hand as intimately as I could. But I would have to wait for that day to come when I finally could get her to come. And anyways I wouldn't always be her partner. We always traded partners in dancing all the time, but I just know she would enjoy it. It was so much fun in itself!

After I got back home after dancing I was so tired. I had almost crashed at the church even because I was so tired. But it was worth it. I got to be with Jane another night and it hadn't even been planned. I only hoped that she would want to hang out again soon. Because being with her for only about 7 hours was not enough time for a week not to see her. I loved her and this week had been amazing thus far. I couldn't wait until Saturday! This week was one of the best weeks of my life!

 **Well well well. That was a long chapter I'd say! My goal was to get to the bell choir concert, but that would just take up like 2,000 more words since I have a lot to say about concert night as well! So I'll save it for the next chapter. I hope you enjoyed reading! I spent a lot of time just writing and my memories came back in full swing because as I said in the story, this has been one my most impactfull and best weeks of my life. And I just had remembered basically everything. Thank you for reading! Until next time! So close to catching up to present day! :D Happy viewing!**


	7. Chapter 7: The Concert

**Hey guys! I know it's been a long while since I've last posted. Thing happened in my life. Some good things but mostly bad. I got over Jane because another woman entered my life and I didn't feel I needed to write about her anymore. Well that woman left my life without a word and I'm back with this story again. Of course. So I hope you enjoy. I'm so behind in the months, but I think I'll just catch up soon to present time. Hope you enjoy and thanks for reading!**

Saturday is here. SATURDAY IS HERE! The concert is finally here! And I pretty much get to stand next to Jane all day! We had rehearsal in the morning before the concert and then we would have pizza before the 2pm call time for the concert. I just couldn't wait to be next to her. I was so excited that my stomach had butterflies, I was nervous and excited and I just couldn't wait for it.

I became late to rehearsal because my ride had gotten caught in traffic so the husband came to pick me up instead so therefore I walked in the door about 10 minutes late to rehearsal but it was fine. Things were going to be okay and the piece they were playing was one of the ones I was completely fine on and didn't have any kind of worry on it. My eyes immediately went to Jane, god she looked so beautiful ringing those bells. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. The way the lights were shining on her beautiful red hair. The way her eyes were focused on the music, her hands playing the bells. I even thought I saw a smirk come from her as I came in next to her and she briefly said where we were at in the music and we rehearsed.

Once we finished rehearsing I noticed that a few people had trickled in to come early, but not to many yet and we all headed back to one of the churches classrooms to have the pizza. I just hoped there was just cheese. I didn't like much of anything else. Luckily they did and I had a single slice. I wasn't much of hungry since my stomach was nervous. Jane didn't sit next to me which was fine, I felt only slight disappointment but it was fine because I got to watch her from afar. After eating I was one of the first to leave and walk out back to the sanctuary. I decided to take an Instagram photo for the bells and made sure everything was ready to go. Jane came back and since I had brought the program from the concert I asked her to autograph it, I finally got her signature. I felt like I would always be her #1 fan! It was great! I then walked out into the hallway since that would be where we entered for the concert.

I socialized some with the people who stood on the other side of me in the line because we would be walking in and starting the concert right away, but mostly I just stood there. I watched Jane almost the entire time. I noticed immediately when her boyfriend arrived for she held the door for him as he came in the church. Damn he was here. Well I guess he did care to show up. I felt extremely jealous. But I figured it would happen since he did come to the band concert as well. It just got hard to watch her but I did. My eyes were on her and I would only pretend to be looking at something else when I saw her face looking towards me, I've had many practice with people I crushed on. Looking away when they look at me. But I watched the back of her head wondering what it would be like if she was mine. How much I'd be kissing her, taking her in my arms. Feeling her in an embrace and telling her that the concert was going to be really great and she was going to do completely amazing. But I couldn't do any of that. I just had to watch from afar.

Soon it was 2pm and it was time to start the concert. Jane came and stood in front of me as our back line of the bass bells walked up to our places. I couldn't help but glance down at her. Damn even from behind she was beautiful. But then I focused on her head I didn't want her boyfriend to think I was checking her out. We came to our positions and with a few words of introduction from our director we started the concert.

Even with a few mess ups from Jane and at one point of the concert almost made me laugh so hard I had to hide my smile from behind our music stand it went pretty well. After one particular song I looked up at the video camera that was recording us for the concert and I said, "I love you Jane." right to it, the director had mentioned that there would be recordings and so I said what I said, if she noticed great but I'm sure the quality of the video camera was not really going to pick up my mouth movements. So I was safe but I said it and felt better.

As the concert ended there was applause that got the congregation to their feet. I had noticed that two people from my church and workplace had come to see and one of the people was in my own bell choir and in fact my duet partner. She seemed to have really enjoyed the concert she told me afterwards. All too soon the bars of the railway on the stairs of the altar were back in place, the bells were back downstairs, the pads and tables all put away and I watched as Jane left. I said to myself, "Goodbye Jane. I hope we see each other again." I knew I was in trouble. The next rehearsal for bells wasn't even going to be until after Christmas, even after New Year's Day. This was going to be one long fucking month. I loved her, but there was nothing I could do about it.

Soon I was back home. And it was time to just relax. And I did playing League of Legends into the night before I fell asleep for church the next day.

The next day came and went and then all of a sudden on Facebook I got an invite. Jane had invited me to her annual gingerbread making house party and it was going to be this upcoming Friday! I had gotten the invite minutes after she posted it, but as much as I wanted to accept and say yes, I held back, I didn't want to seem too desperate to be able to get to her house. So I didn't actually respond until the following day saying yes. And even by that time nobody else had said that they were coming as well. Huh and she had invited many friends and most hadn't even seen it, I don't know why not. She was amazing. Maybe because her friends just didn't have the time or the means or whatever reason. I just knew I wouldn't miss spending a night with Jane at all. I was falling more in love with her every day and there was just no stopping it. I loved her. More than I had loved any other person by far in my life. And I knew it was wrong and I shouldn't, but I did and I was and I is.

This was just going to be a very long week. Friday couldn't get here any sooner...

Finally Friday was here! It took forever to get here! But it finally was, I texted Jane and asked her when she would want me over there, she even said she'd come and pick me up. So as soon as I got home from work I hopped in the shower and I thought about the fact that I was going to be at her house, deep down I kinda hoped nobody else would show up. I also prayed that her boyfriend wouldn't even be in the same room like it was when we had hung out last time, I doubt it would happen but I could dream right? That morning my landlady had taken me to the store before I had gone to work and I bought all kinds of colorful candy for the gingerbread house making, gumdrops, M&Ms, Skittles, colorful marshmallows, you name it I bought it. As I got out of the shower Jane had texted me saying she was here, oops, I didn't plan that out right. I mentioned to her that she could come in, she had my Christmas present from her to give to me and so as I finished getting dressed and started packing up all the candy she came up to the door and handed me the present. I also had baked my mom's homemade chocolate chip cookies the previous night and so I packed those up as well. I had put in almost double the amount of chocolate chips because I knew Jane loved chocolate and as I had baked them I baked them with as much love as I possibly could put into the cookies. I didn't necessarily kiss each everyone I had made, but I may have just as well had.

I got into the car with Jane and she drove us off back to her house. We talked about the party I asked her, "So anybody else coming?"

"Yeah, Kyan has his friend over and Mary has her and her friend Patrick so far, I think somebody else is coming, maybe Claire, but I'm not sure if she's going to show."

"Ah, well I wouldn't have missed this, sides I had literally nothing else to do myself."

"Ahh nice."

We talked about other things that didn't really matter and got to her house. Walking inside I was greeted by Pam and Zo her dogs. I petted both as I could with a backpack on and a bowl of baked cookies. Then I set the bowl of cookies down and followed Jane into the living room to take out the candy and put out the table so it was ready for the gingerbread house making. She was shocked out how much candy I had bought. I told her hey I didn't know what to buy so I bought a little of everything! She laughed, "It's okay." I even had bought my favorite Moscaoto Barefoot white wine because I wanted her to know my favorite wine and she poured a glass of it for me, but she drank her favorite drink instead saying she might have some later.

Kyan indeed was there with his friend who seemed to already be drunk already. It wasn't that late even yet, only about 6pm but whatever floated their boats I supposed. All my attention was on Jane though, without being obvious I watched her as much as I dared. With her boyfriend in the room, when she changed rooms so did I. I also made myself useful. When we moved the house making table over, when we went to her garage to grab extra chairs, I even helped make the frosting, even though my arm got a little tired holding the beater up I still kept going, I wasn't going to show that I was tired, because being by her side while doing all these kind of things felt so good to me. I was helping her out making sure she wasn't overworking herself and in someways her boyfriend didn't do shit. He mostly sat on the couch, drank beer, and played video games. Which the video games part was cool I agree but he never invited me or Jane to play. Maybe she didn't like those games I'm not sure, but for the most part he just stayed away. All I wanted to do was wrap her up in my arms and hold her close and never let her go.

Finally the one girl who came with Patrick, I think her name was Mary. Her, Jane, and I started making our houses. I didn't know what the hell I was doing but I tried my best, I looked into my memory bank of gingerbread houses in movies and tv shows that I had watched and kinda just took it from there. We spent a couple of hours making our houses and I was the first to finish mine. According to Mary and Jane mine was the best, but I disagreed I thought Jane's was the best, but anything Jane did I thought was the best. I was biased. I loved her. On the side of gingerbread making Jane had also baked sugar cookies and so those were wanting to be decorated as well. I made a few of those as well just to pass the time. Mary sat across from Jane at the table we were at and I sat next to Jane myself. I wanted to sit close but I held my distance. Especially with **him** there.

All too soon we were cleaning up and I got a little sad, I would be leaving soon, I doubt she'd say I could spend the night even if I did drink alcohol, I had sort of day dreamed on the way home from work that she would just say I could spend the night because she had drunk too much. Which would've been fine, I even brought my contact lens case just in case that would happen. After coming out of the bathroom though I found out that we were all going to play a video game. Kyan's friend was passed out drunk on the solo couch and Mary and Patrick had left by then but the other woman, Claire had finally come right as we finished our gingerbread houses. And her, me, Kyan, and Jane all played this detective type of game. I didn't know what it was called, nor did I pay much attention to it. No all my focus and attention was on Jane. Claire was sitting on a different chair but on the couch sat Kyan, Jane, and then me. With the excuse of animals I dared to sit right close to Jane. So close in fact that our thighs were touching each other.

I felt all warm inside. I had never sat this close to her before, let alone anyone this close in such a long time that the fire in my basement was burning. Luckily things became less awkward, at least maybe awkward for her, for me I loved it. But her cat came up to lay on us as well as Zo. Zo was a small dog Pam would've been too big to lay on us. But in order to brush Jane's thigh or arm I petted her animals just as an excuse to touch her unintentionally but intentionally at the same time. I just hoped she wouldn't notice.

I did however notice that the game we were playing she had her iPad on her boyfriends lap and he had his arm wrapped around her and it felt like she was leaning away from me but I'm not sure if that was just because of the angle she was sitting at. And the four of us gamers had to use the iPad to correspond to what was happening on the tv screen even though it was a PS4 game. But like I said, I didn't hardly pay much attention, and mostly I chose the answers that Jane had chosen and in the game you could vote for a member of the group that related the most on certain topics. I chose Jane every time because unlike the trivia game that I had played with Jane and Kyan weeks ago, this game didn't tell other people what you chose. So I made sure I chose Jane every time.

At one point after a chapter ended in the game I reached for my glass of wine to take a sip and I felt the movement of Jane as she wanted her drink as well. Immediately I responded and reached out to her glass to give it to her. Her boyfriend had been slow on the uptake, he was a few seconds behind my hand as I reached for the glass for her. I was atuned to Jane and I had beat him to the glass to give it to her, for my brain that was an accomplishment and showed me how slow of a response he had to her wants and needs. I was on the edge of my seat with Jane and I felt proud. Her and Kyan may have felt awkward and she made sure her glass was within reach after that happened, but I didn't feel awkward at all. I just knew how much I was focused on Jane and not the game. Me not focused on video games was something unheard of if you knew who I was and how much I loved video games, but this night I loved Jane so much more. All I wanted to do was just hold her, snuggle her, cuddle her, kiss her. But I couldn't, I wasn't that type of person.

Subtly when the cat got off and Zo spread more out on me and Jane I realized something, her pets loved me and for the most part they stayed mostly on me and Jane and hardly even was near Kyan. As I kept petting Zo I subtly made the 'I love you' sign without saying any words as I petted Zo. I'm not sure if she ever noticed, Jane that is. She had told me she knew sign language, but I wasn't sure if she was even paying attention to me or my hands, but the feeling of telling her I loved her through sign language while touching her at the same time I felt amazing power. I never wanted to leave this moment, I never wanted to leave this house or her, I didn't want to go home. I just wanted to confess my love for her I loved her so much. But alas I didn't say a word. Even if I was tipsy, I knew better than to do that to her. Ruin our friendship, ruin the chance to ever hang out with her again, and ruin everything I've built up with her as far as friendship goes.

All too soon we had finished the 2nd chapter of the game and Claire announced that it was time for her to go home since she had work early in the early morning, I groaned internally this was it. Jane was going to take me home now. And there was nothing I could do about it to just stay here with her forever.

It took awhile however to wake up Michael, Kyan's friend and I found out Claire's boyfriend. Oh great so I was the only one at the party tonight that didn't have a "partner" terrific. He was so drunk, and almost didn't even wake up at all he was so groggy. But finally he was out and it was time for me to go home, I didn't even bother asking to spend the night, I knew that Jane wouldn't even let me. I don't think we were even that close yet anyways, and if she didn't even offer, I wasn't going to ask. We walked outside once I got all my stuff together and me being tipsy it was harder to get over her gate so much so she actually grabbed my hand as I got myself over the fence. I let go immediately, I had felt something. A sort of like a shock, I didn't know if Kyan was watching as we left, but I didn't want to give him any ideas. I think she had jumped at my sudden release of her hand and I almost regretted doing it so fast. A slow let go of her hand would've been normal, not a flick of my wrist as if she were contagious. Way to go ZS, way to make it not obvious. Oh well I'd just tell her I was tipsy so that she would know it wasn't intentional. I just hadn't wanted to let go... That was the hardest part.

We got into her car and drove back to my house. After she left I walked into my room set down my bag and gingerbread house, quickly got into my pajamas and crashed in bed, but not before the tears flowed for at least an hour. Ouch. My heart hurt...

 **I debated whether or not to include the gingerbread making house a part of this chapter, but since it's been so long, I need to catch up to irl right now! So I decided to combine the concert and the house making together. I think I'll start going off course of what actually happened in real life right now. I'm tired of trying to catch up to what's actual factual information, some parts still will be, but I think it's time to explore my creative juices. Plus I'm still in love with her, and I want to romance her in my story soon. So be prepared that next time, it won't be all 100% what actually happened! Thanks for reading! :)**


	8. Chapter 8: New Beginnings

**So here we are a few days later guys, I've had to retype this due to my computer restarting itself again. I hate when it does that for I don't save what I write in here if it takes me a couple of days to write. And it seems like my computer likes to restart when I'm not even home.. But anyways I'm finally going to delve into not complete 100% nonfiction writing today. I'm going to start writing what's in my desires, dreams, fantasies, and passions. I'm super excited to get all of the backstory of the characters pretty much solid. I'll continue with that, but now I'm going to write about what's in my heart. Hope you enjoy and thank you!**

The last few weeks passed by slower than anything. Christmas came. It went. New Years Day came and went and I was finally back home again after the holidays and happy to be. I felt so lonely at home. I mean I had my dog brother Sirius and my parents, but I felt like I was missing something or rather someone. Jane. I thought about her the entire time I was home and not a moment passed I didn't think about her, eating dinner with my family, opening gifts, especially her opening my gifts. I just wish she could've been here with me, but she was with her boyfriend back in Oregon on a trip to visit his mother and sister. I felt like I was abandoned by her but I couldn't couldn't control that at all she wasn't mine. And it hurt alot for I loved her more and more each day we were apart and I couldn't wait to see her again when bell choir started up the first week of January, well that and I was joining her community band as well the same week so it would be guaranteed that I would see her twice a week every week for many months.

It got so bad that I had even started going to therapy once a week and in the first session I told the therapist about Jane, how much I loved her as well as the fact she was not single. As part of my New Years Resolution I said to myself that I would be uploading 3 videos a day to YouTube, and streaming 7 times a week 5 days of the week. I was starting a whole new thing with this. I was going to do it and actually last more than a month this time. I was going to try and make it until summer when my work schedule changes. I also knew I would have to be eating more at least twice a day. To keep my strength but also to appease everyone. If I slipped back into depression again I would be going back to the dark path I had been in in the previous month.

Now finally I finished the first week of January with my new schedule I had started on Tuesday with the new schedule and now it was finally Sunday. And tonight I would get to go to bell choir tonight and finally see Jane again. What was better was that tomorrow as well she would be also coming to pick me up and take me to band rehearsal. For she'd be my ride every week and I'd be able to sit in a car with her for almost 20 minutes, just her and me. But first things first bell choir was tonight and it was going to be even more time with her nearby for we were preparing for a new schedule because we had to make sure the concert date was okay and all the rehearsal times so we were fed tacos before we actually started reading through all of the music.

Heading down to bells I was anxious, I even was the first person to leave the food room to go. Jane hadn't even moved yet she was still sitting in the corner by herself probably playing Pokemon Go on her phone, I was excited to start reading new music, but I was also excited to stand next to Jane again. There had been a new person up in the room and I prayed he wouldn't stand inbetween me and Jane. Thankfully it didn't end up being that way. Jane would be playing mostly what she had last winter only a bell less, she'd be dealing with bells C4-E4 and I would take F4-A4. If you're musical you'd understand what that means, here's a hint readers, it's bass clef the low C through the top line A.

All the time talking to Jane when I could I'd crack jokes, it was just like old times in rehearsal, she'd crack a smile even laugh sometimes and I felt proud that I could do that with her. She still couldn't look at me, but if she was happy I was happy. All too soon the rehearsal was ending and I was sad, but not as sad because I knew I would totally see her tomorrow. As she left the room I whispered after her, "Goodnight Jane, see you tomorrow, I love you." Getting home I felt good about myself, tomorrow was starting another week of streaming and this time I would be streaming 7 times instead of just 5 like the previous week. I hope I could make it until the end of the week! But it didn't matter, I was focused on getting to tomorrow night. I had to, and I couldn't wait.

Tomorrow was finally here, I had had a good day of streaming and I was planning on streaming again before the night was out after rehearsal. I had played SWTOR and progressed my top Republic character, I was addicted to the game and I was happy my stream had gone well, I had gotten $5.00 bit donations as well as a couple of new followers and so I was in a really good mood for band. I kept looking at the clock, I texted Jane to make sure that she indeed was coming tonight and she said she was and she'll be there soon. I paced upstairs for about 15 minutes anxiously waiting for her to arrive. For 10 min there and 10 min back home I'll be in the same car with her. God I loved her. More than anything. And it hurt also more than anything that she wasn't single so I could show her the world. Tonight would be the first time ever and the longest time I'd be with her alone and my palms were sweating, my heart was beating frantically, and I was completely all mopey dopey in love.

Then I saw headlights as she pulled up next to the house, I smiled grinning from ear to ear, "Rytsas Jane." I grabbed my trombone and music folder and headed outside to her car. She motioned to put the horn just in the backseat and I got in. I had forgotten already that her seat belts were automatic as I tried to reach for it automatically with muscle memory, "Damn it Jane, I always forget, I'm not used to this!" She laughed at me, "Are you laughing at me!?"

"It's just funny." I smiled, least I could get her to smile.

"Let's ride!" And we were off, I was so nervous that I just kept talking her ears off. I tried holding back and I succeeded a few times letting her get a couple sentences in, but I was just so happy to be in the car with her. And that was another thing, she smelled wonderful. I don't know if she wore perfume, but I think she did or something, because she was so lovely.

Even for 10 minutes we arrived shorter than I thought possible and I was slightly disappointed, I wanted a whole car ride with her to talk and get to know her, but we arrived at the campus. We got out and headed for the building. I let her lead the way for she knew where she was going and I had no clue. We came to the band room and we pulled out our instruments (she played euphonium) and I hung around her until I saw more of my section, I didn't want to leave her side as she sat on her chair, but I had to sit with my section so I did. Rehearsal was great! I really loved this! And the music was decent enough although the director ended up getting rid of one of my favorite ones we sightread and afterwords I knew that this is where I wanted to be every Monday night.

Getting back into the car I just prayed the trip would be a long one back home. I didn't want to leave Jane. I didn't want her to go back home, I was so in love with her. No, not was, is. I AM in love with her, this isn't some school girl crush that will go away when another person entered my life, no. I love her.

"Well we are here Zeenz."

I looked up, "Well lookie there, we are.." I hesitated, come on Zeenz ask her, "Hey do you want to hang out this weekend? I'm busy until Friday with my new schedule of streaming, but we haven't hung out in 2019 yet."

"I'll have to see and check with Kyan, but I'll let you know okay?"

It'll have to do, "Sure! I can wait!" I got out of her car and grabbed my horn and music and as I waved goodbye as she pulled away I said outloud, "Geros ilas Jane, avy jorrāelza." Which meant, goodbye Jane, I love you. I then watched until I couldn't see her car anymore before going into my house. Surprise surprise I slept really well that night.

"JANE!" I screamed.

"Zeenz! Help me please!"

Jane and I were at a cliff face, Jane had just fallen over the edge and she was trapped inside of a caved in cave. We were mountain climbing when all of a sudden the snap of her cable almost stopped my heart, she sounded okay, but she was trapped. I HAD to get to her! I let loose my rope a little bit to get lower and closer to her, I reached the little crevice where I could hear and see her and yelled, "Are you okay? Anything broken?"

"I don't think so, lemme try and shift some of this rock away, damn cable, I knew it was old but fuck this is ridiculous." I heard some shuffling as she moved giant rocks to try and clear a hole. I also helped from the outside, I looked over the horizon, it was nearing sunset, it was supposed to be romantic. We go rock walling and watch the sunset, but this was not in the plan. Finally after a couple of minutes we cleared enough space for her to fit through. I lowered the rope even further and felt my legs support me as I landed on the rock face above the hole. It seems I would have to lift her out of the hole with as much strength as I could, there was no way she could climb walls or anything, it was just a hole in the ceiling of the roof with no supports for how many feet around her.

"I'm going to have to lift you Jane."

"Zeenz you aren't strong enough, I'm not exactly skinny, I'm a hippo remember you calling me that."

I felt myself go read, "That is NOT true Jane. I'd never call you a hippo! Come on, sun is going away, and it's a good view. You have to trust me."

"Are you sure?"

"I'd never let you go. Now on the count of three you jump and I'll grab you, you grab me as best you can. Alright?"

"Fine. As we have no other option."

"Okay count of 3... 3."

"2.."

"1!" I shouted and she jumped, it was as if she suddenly became a kangaroo and she sprung up towards me. Determined I grabbed her arms with both hands and split second later she had her arms around my arms. Air seemed to have escaped my lungs as her face was suddenly up towards me, we were inches apart. Damn she could go into the Olympics with that kind of jump. Using my back muscles and legs I heaved her up out of the hole, "I-almost got- you." I breathed. Suddenly I saw her falling in front of me but I screamed, "NO!" I pulled with the strength of being completely in love with her and I pulled her completely out of the hole, she then toppled on me as I was on my back, her above me. Her knee was in between my legs and we both gasped for air. Faces inches apart. I then felt her hug me.

"You saved my life Z. Thank you."

"Always..." I looked into her eyes, they were so beautiful I felt like I already melted into them, she glanced off into the distance, the sunset was bright yellows and oranges, but mostly yellow, her favorite color. But the sunset wasn't the thing that was beautiful it was her. The sunlight made her reddish hair glow something I had never seen before. Her hands were on either side of my head as she held herself above me. God. She was the most beautiful woman in the world. I couldn't ask for a better moment between us, I had wanted to stare in her eyes for a long time and now for once she didn't look away. I don't think she even could now. Before I knew it she leaned down and she kissed me. Heaven erupted. Heat flew straight to my center. I was no longer sweating, no longer cold, my heart filled overflowing of love which poured from my body into her. My eyes fluttered closed and I was in pure bliss...

BLEEP. BLEEP. BLEEP. BLEEP. BLEEP. BLE-I shut off my alarm. God damn it. That good a of a dream and I woke up? Fuck. It seemed so real. And Jane. FUCK. She was so beautiful and amazing and I was completely in love with her. Like I said, no denying it. It was time to start my day, this was going to be a good day. For it was Friday, the weekend. I wondered if Jane wanted to hang out tonight or tomorrow. Hmm I'll text her.

Z: Hey! So hanging out still?

A few minutes later she replied back, quick too. Which was nice.

J: Yeah! I keep my word, I'll pick you up after work, how's 6 sound?

Z: Perfect! Can't wait until tonight!

And I decided to leave it at that, I'd get plenty of chances talking to her tonight, didn't want her to feel overwhelmed with how much I wanted to chat with her right now though. I sprung out of bad singing as I got dressed, flipped on my computer and got my breakfast. I'd have to go work a couple hours at the church and then do a short stream today but it was well worth it. Because I would get to see the woman I loved by the end of the night. And I was so EXCITED! I'd been waiting for this for months to see her! I hoped it would be just similar to the gaming night we had had last year. Because for me that was one of the best nights of my life. Just being next to her all night.

Work came and went. I even composed more of a song that I was writing about Jane. I was composing a song completely about her, it mostly was a saddened song one whom showed that someone could love someone who is with another. But it didn't matter, it came from my heart and I was excited to finally get the chorus done after I finished the first two versus. It was an interesting song, not the typical chords you hear in most pop songs, nah this was like some sort of ballad, chords everywhere and all different. I liked to compose things very differently, made it more unique and I wouldn't get striked for copyright for sure.

I came home and did a short stream, it was Friday so I played League, I played with a few friends but in the end it was just me streaming to myself and nobody was around, thank goodness I won the last few games before I was shutting up the stream, as the outro song was playing I had gotten a text from Jane.

J: I'll be over in 1/2 hour.

It was sent 15 minutes ago, uh oh! Better get ready now! I quickly packed my contacts (just in case I stayed over late again) and water, keys, and a change of clothes. Hey! You never know if a sudden blizzard would erupt and I'd be 'forced' to stay there. Not like I'd complain, I'd gladly sleep on her couch if it meant spending the night knowing Jane was right in the same house next to me! I walked out of my room and up the stairs to the kitchen and my landlady was watching a game of some sort, football, though don't ask me who was playing for I don't care much about sports. Soon I saw Jane's headlights as she pulled into the driveway. With a wave of my hand and a confirmation that I still had my house keys I grabbed my backpack and walked outside into the brisk air.

I walked over to the car and threw my backpack into the backseat as I then proceeded to get in the front. When I sat down, I was reminded yet again of the automatic seat belts, "Hey!" I was grinning ear to ear. I was so happy I was going to her house again! Oh what we would do!

"Hey Zeenz, mind if we stop somewhere before heading back home? Kyan asked if I could get some dog food at the store."

"I'm in no rush, let's go." She pulled out of the drive and I couldn't help but glance at her, she was so damn beautiful tonight. It looked like she had straightened her hair, and she was wearing that sweater again, the one she wore at the final bell choir rehearsal before the winter concert. God she looked so sexy in it. I looked forward again. Fuck, don't think like that Z.

"How was your week?"

"It was alright, finally not doing 'learning stuff' anymore actually doing work." I chuckled. "What?"

"Oh you don't want to be a trainee forever huh?"

"No!" She smiled, "How was streaming?"

"It went well, lost a few games today, but overall good. Played with Sparky for awhile until he left."

"That's good."

By that time we arrived at the store and we got out and walked inside. I automatically picked up all the smells of pet food when we entered, my tiger nose was that overly sensitive. Sometimes I swore it was a curse. We walked over to the dog food and she debated something before finally choosing, "Damn should've grabbed a cart, didn't realize there was a sale that the cheaper dog food is the heaviest."

"Hey am I chopped liver?" I didn't even let her answer that as I walked over and grabbed the dog food to fling across my shoulders.

"Don't hurt yourself Zeenz!"

"Meh this is nothing, this all you needed? I've got this, no problemo!"

"Yeah that's all he said we needed tonight, Pam and Zo haven't been fed yet."

"Well we better get back then!" I started speed walking, "Catch me if you dare!"

"Zeenz!" I saw her face flush as she raced after me, I was fast though. Speeding down the isles getting towards the front of the store, I almost ran into one person but I quickly cut to the other side of the lane and kept going suddenly coming to a halt in the line. Jane coming short of me seconds later, "Are you crazy?!"

"Wouldn't be that bad would it?" I smirked.

She chuckled, "Just be careful. That food could cost me if you rip it open here."

"Meh it ain't happened so it won't happen." We stepped closer to the counter and got called up. Jane paid for the food and we were off to her car to finally get to her place.

Upon arriving at her house we got out and I let her lead the way into her her house. Taking off our jackets she walked into the living room and I followed. Yep there was Kyan on the couch watching Family Guy. Of course, why would he be doing anything else. I looked away as she kissed him saying she was home again. I still didn't hear him mutter a "I love you". I felt awkward in the doorway so I turned around and went to my backpack to grab my water bottle and take a swig, I was feeling thirsty after I talked just about the whole way here. I looked around her kitchen, it was a bit messy dishes in the sink and boxes of non refrigerated food on the counters. Does her boyfriend even help clean up at all or does he laze about after he gets home from work? I mean I shouldn't complain, my room looks like this, but if I was living with someone it wouldn't be because I'd have the urge to clean. I did with my ex at least. Now a days I just don't clean it because why bother when nobody comes to see my room anyways.

As I stood there Pam came over and she had a toy in her mouth. Well this is bonding time for the puppy, if I couldn't show my love for Jane, I could show it to her animals. They were sweet and even though Zo was hers I felt like Pam was mine. I preferred bigger dogs anyways, could play rougher with them and not feel like I'm breaking anything like teeth with rope or something. Speaking of Pam had brought her rope so I started growling and playing with her right in the kitchen. She roughed up her head and play growled at me as I tried to get the rope from her, finally I managed and I faked threw it across to the living room. She bounded off thinking I threw it and I started laughing. When she turned around I swung the rope loosely in my hand as she came trotting back up to me, before she could reach me I really threw it into the other room. I laughed as I came into the door way.

I glanced at Jane and Kyan and they were on the couch together almost cuddling, I just wanted to gag, but I held myself back. I knew this would happen. I'm just the 3rd wheel once again on this outing. I sat on the recliner next to the couch and waited to see if Jane would say or do anything. She leaned up and away from Kyan, "Alright Zeenz what do you want to do? PS4? Wii?"

"I'm down with whatever you guys want to do."

"Let's go downstairs and play some Mario then. Coming Kyan?" She looked to him

"Nah. You two have fun." I could've predicted those words out of his mouth.

Jane and I walked downstairs and soon we were playing Mario. We made it through a couple more levels from the last time I came over and she kept dying alot, but it didn't matter I was having fun at least, "Having fun?" I asked.

"Well if you don't mind me sucking." She chuckled, I just smiled really big, "What!?"

"Nothing, not a thing Jane. It's why I'm so much better than you!" I teased.

"Oh really? How about a round of darts again, refresh your memory huh?"

"Deal!" We got up and walked over towards her dart board and she picked up the darts. I let her go first and it was a fairly good throw. I just focused more or less not putting holes in her wall. I managed to succeed and I did for the most part, but I ended up losing the game. "So what do I owe you Miss Jane?"

"Oh nothing it's just a game."

"Nah I feel like I owe you something, I'll think of something." It was true, every time Jane beat me at something I felt like I owed her something. And it wasn't really an owe when I am in love with her. It just felt like we had a connection when I gave her something. I wanted to give her everything. For sure Kyan wasn't doing shit about it, when he doesn't even marry her. It pissed me off. Oh well I wasn't gonna delve my mind that way. It was in the here and now. And right now I was going to be here completely for Jane. After darts she went back upstairs to grab some drinks. She had her favorite of cream vodka and when I tried it last time it was really delicious. I was kinda happy to have some more that I could drink. We went back downstairs and just talked as we played a simple mindless game that didn't take a lot of thought. Wii Party. After a few more hours she said it was time for me to head back home. Damn guess no spending the night. Well at least I had fun gaming with her again. I wondered briefly if Kyan ever played with her or if he just sat on the couch all the time. I didn't give it much thought as we went back upstairs.

She went into the living room as I heard Family Guy still playing as she said goodbye and she'd be back soon. I didn't even hear a kiss as she came into the kitchen. I said goodbye to her puppies and kitties and we were off in her car on the way home. I didn't want to go back inside my house. I wasn't going to see her again for another few days and to me it was like a lifetime. I had been looking so forward to this day, but now it was over and I didn't want it to be.

She pulled into the driveway and idled. I went to get out of the car, but the door was locked, "Um the doors locked, I mean if you wanted to keep me here I can." I joked.

"Zeenz.." I turned my head to her, her hands on the steering wheel and she was looking straight ahead. What was going on?

"What's up?" I was scared, and thinking, what did I do wrong? Things were going through my mind at to what I had said tonight during our conversations or something.

"Look. I know Zeenz.." Now I was terrified. I looked from her to the front. Know what? "I know you like me." I quickly looked back at her and then back to front again. I was in deep shit.

"Yeah of course I like you, you're fun to be around, you're my only friend here, you're a great per-"

"No Zeenz. I know you like me more than friends don't deny it." I watched as she looked over at me and I looked to her. Fuck.

"I- Jane. Don't-"

"It's okay Zeenz, I don't hate you for showing your true feelings to me, I've known for a long time. It's okay."

"I'm sorry." I turned back to the front and tried to unlock the door but it was still looked, "I should go Jane. I'm sorry."

"Zeenz. Stop. Look at me." I turned to face her, but for once she was actually looking into my eyes. I looked away and down, "Look at me."

"I'm so sorry Jane. Really I'm not the type of person to split someone up. I'm sorry. Now you know I can stop this. You just needed to know now you do I can get over it. It'll be gone within weeks."

"Look at me Zeenz." I looked up, she was still staring at me her hands were in her lap, "You aren't splitting us up in any way at all Zeenz. He knows about you liking me too."

I choked, "What!"

"Don't worry he's not that upset. He knows nothing will happen. He's okay with you liking me and he knows that I'm bisexual and he knows that I'm also poly."

"Poly..." I said slowly.

"Yeah kind of like if I dated you and still be committed to him it's okay. I like you Zeenz, it's just taken me awhile to see it."

"Poly..."

"Is that all you can say?"

"Jane. I don't want to split you guys up..."

"Like I said, I'm poly. I just wish you were more truthful about your feelings, I couldn't wait any longer for you to finally admit your feelings. You're hurting yourself over me and I couldn't bear your pain any more."

"How long have you known?"

"Since Christmas, when I opened up your gifts. Making something like that for me, I knew you liked me."

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't be it's okay!" There was a silence then as we both sat there as my sudden love for her grew even more as she sat there. She knew. She knew and didn't even reject me. Literally what was happening right now. Could this be a dream? Was I going to wake up at all? Surely I had gotten home hours ago and I was just in my bed going to wake up and it all be a dream. Just like the one I had last night with the cliff face. "Zeenz, earth to Zeenz."

I shuddered, no this wasn't a dream. This was actually happening. "Wait. So Jane. Does that mean you are interested in me?" I turned back to face her, I had to see her reaction.

She looked away a brief moment, "I haven't felt like this for awhile Zeenz. This kind of excitement and happiness that you make me laugh all the time. It's been awhile since I've felt this way with Kyan. It'd be nice to have it all again."

"So I'm just a guinea pig then for you?"

"No. That's not what I've been saying you're putting words in my mouth."

"I'm sorry. I just feel like I'm dreaming, can you pinch me?"

"I won't do that. Look. If you need some time to think about this it's fine. But sometime I do want to go out for coffee or something."

"Come on! You know I hate coffee!"

"Alright alright, drinks then. Okay?"

I looked to her and nodded, "Deal." I held out my hand for a handshake. She took it. Immediately my hand grew hot and I felt an electric shock, but this time I didn't let go. I noticed Jane didn't pull away either. I looked up into her eyes and even though it was dark outside I could still see the sparkle in them. Her beautiful bluish greyish eyes. She was so fucking beautiful. I felt myself leaning closer to her, I watched as she leaned towards me. Suddenly and finally our lips met.

I felt like I was on Cloud 9. Not the video game brand, but the actually clouds. I finally could kiss her after months of falling in love. It was pure bliss. And she had good lips. They were strong and showed no weakness. I hope she thought I was a good kisser. I felt guilty deep in my gut but I pushed that aside, I was kissing the woman I loved for the first time in my life truly loved. And it was heaven. I brought my hands to her face and back to her hair and stroked her hair. It felt like satin and silk as I ran my fingers through it. With her hands she just touched my arms almost encouraging me to play with her hair. I kissed her with as much passion as I could muster. She was the first woman and person I kissed in 3 years years almost 4, and it was the best I could ask for. Too soon we pulled away gasping for air. I smiled and I saw her smile. "Wow Jane.."

"Zeenz. I didn't know you were such a good kisser."

"I suppose I am? It's been a long time since I've kissed anyone."

"I know. I better get back home. Tonight has been fun."

"Really the best." I pulled away but before that I took her hand and kissed the top of it, "Don't forget about me." She giggled. "I mean it!"

"Alright Zeenz. Sleep well."

"And you drive safe." With one last glance I got out of the car and up the drive. But I turned back around and shouted at her even if I knew she couldn't hear me. "Avy jorrāelan Jane." And I watched as she pulled out and up the road back to her home. This was the best night of my whole life I thought grinning from ear to ear as I walked back into my house. Nothing was going to stop me now...

 **Thank you for being patient, it's been a long week for me and I didn't feel inspired until recently so this took about a week to write the whole thing but I finally managed to finish it in the end! And well, we are definitely into territory that is not factual anymore. I can let my dreams and wantingness develop in the story now. I hope you enjoyed reading this long chapter. But the chapters will be this long probably from now on because I get to make up stuff now and not try and go by memory of what happened months ago. Thank you for reading and see you next time! Happy viewing!**


	9. Chapter 9: This Is Just a Dream

**Thank you for keeping up with this story! I'm so happy to finally get to just fiction writing and get this off my chest! I hope you are enjoying the story so far and I can't wait to get into the future of this story. Again I write what I feel in the moment and it'll start becoming more of a dream and a story now on, not factual, I hope that's okay! And I hope you enjoy reading this next chapter because I enjoyed writing it!**

I woke up to a new day outside, it was bright, it was sun shiny and I felt like I was coming off of a high. Last night was so special. Was it even real? It can't have been real...could it have been? Did I just kiss the love of my life? Truly? It was the 12th of January and this year started out shitty but after last night. I could live in this year. I wanted to live. I wanted to be everything for Jane. I was completely in love with her. And now, even slightly she felt like she could be mine. I stretched as I rolled off my bed and turned on my computer. Today would be a day of recording gameplay footage for my YouTube channel but even that seemed taxing to think about doing today. I just wanted to hang out with Jane be with her. But I also knew she was an introvert and so I would leave her with her space, if she wanted to talk to me today so be it. I just kept thinking about the kiss we had last night. It seemed so magical and she was, no wait is beautiful.

I didn't know what we were, or what we were going to be, but for me right now I knew that I was hers fully 100%. I didn't care she was poly, I knew I wasn't that way and I would only give my heart to her if it ever came up. I loved her and nobody else mattered. If we became something more than just what we were. Are we friends with benefits now? Are we dating? Are we girlfriend/girlfriend? I didn't know, but I did know one thing. I didn't want anyone else but her. I would've waited until the day she was married before I gave up all my hope and I'm so glad I didn't. It was well worth the wait in the end.

I logged into my computer and started watching Disney movies, I still had to to for the project of my tour over this upcoming summer and so I had to watch them all. At least now I was nearing the 90s as far as Disney movies go, I was getting real tired of the cheesy 80s. 70s was probably the worst decade to get through and I was super excited to get to the 2000s at least by that point I knew basically every Disney movie to come out and I was alive for at the same time.

I walked out to grab some breakfast and talked with my landlady, I wasn't ready yet to share the fact that I kissed Jane. For one thing, my landlady knew Jane was in a 5 year relationship, for another, she didn't even know that I was completely in love with her. As far as her eyes were concerned was that she was just my best friend pretty much here in this city. I went back to my room cereal and toast in my hands and watched Disney movies.

Half anticipating half wanting to just text Jane and ask her if last night was some kind of fluke. I mean, it had to have been. She was in a relationship, why would she want me? Why? I know she said she was poly, but I guess I just didn't understand what that meant. I've never really experienced anyone like that before. But no I wasn't going to contact her, she would contact me right? I mean, it's not like she's never before? Untrue, usually I was the one that instamesseged her all the time first. It never was the opposite. Just as I was debating whether or not I should message her at 2 today at 1 I heard the bleep of the Facebook app.

J: Hey, you there?

Excitement stirring inside me I messaged back quickly, but not too eagerly.

Z: Hey Jane. What's up?

J: Look, last night was a mistake. It shouldn't have happened. I'm really sorry if I led you on. We shouldn't have kissed, I should have controlled myself and so should have you. I'm really sorry, but maybe it's best if we just stick to bell choir and band rehearsal and forget that last night ever happened. We should just stay friends.

I stared at the screen in front of me. The excitement dissipated, the hunger in my soul crashed, my body turned numb. This wasn't a dream, but now this is happening. I didn't know what to say. All the hope I had to be with Jane, even a small part of her life as her lover quickly evaporated. She rejected me. In a new way then everybody else had my whole life. She had kissed me, made me believe I could be a part of her life. And now is shutting me down. Cold feet whatever. This hurt. Alot.

Z: What made you change your mind?

I didn't want to make it seem like her fault, but I was scared that Kyan was something to do with this. Everything was always a guys fault. All guys are assholes. That's my motto that I've lived by for years and this was still the truth now. Something from last night to today she had a conversation with him, he probably told her no. Or said that she was no longer aloud to see me ever again unless it's for practice. I hated him. I disliked him before, but now I see his true asshole side come out now. He wouldn't marry her. He wouldn't give her children. He was always on the couch watching a stupid TV show not even giving her any attention. Making her clean, making her take out the trash, pay attention to the animals, and don't even get me started on when he got to drinking. Didn't even kiss her. Didn't say I love you. It pissed me off and he was the cause of this all I know it.

After watching the ... screen of the Facebook messenger pop up for a couple of minutes I waited anxiously and patiently. I'd just let her talk for now.

J: Look, I just don't want to talk about it. It shouldn't have happened.

Z: I see.

Inside I was breaking, this was a new way to break my heart and she was. Everything I felt for her was crashing down. Everything in my world seemed to be coming to an end. I didn't want it to happen, but it seemed to be not stopping at all. The woman I loved wouldn't even give me a chance. I had to understand, I understood for months and loved her at a distance, but this was just too much. I don't think I felt like living, after our conversation was done.

Z: Jane.

J: Please Zeenz don't make this more difficult than it is. I just can't do this right now. I'm sorry.

Z: It's okay Jane. You still respect me and I still respect you. If I have to wait many more months until you're comfortable, I will. I'd do anything for you, you do know that right? Anything.

J: Thank you Zeenz. I've gotta go, Kyan wants me to go get some food.

There she goes again doing his lazy work.

Z: No worries Jane, drive safe.

I wanted to add "I love you" to the end of it, but seeing as she just pretty much rejected me I held back. She shouldn't hear those words after what just happened.

J: Later

J: Active 1m ago.

I sighed, just when I thought I was finally going to be genuinely happy, this is what happens. I should've known I'd get rejected yet again. But I looked down at the bracelet she had given me at the gingerbread house making. She had handed it over to me making me promise that I wouldn't cut myself again while I wore it, and as it was waterproof I was never aloud to ever take it off. I told her back that as long as we were friends I would keep that promise. But now that this just transpired I don't know anymore, were we even still friends? Guess I'll find out tomorrow at rehearsal.

The rest of the day passed by super slow, I tried watching Disney movies to distract me, it didn't really help. I tried gaming, playing my favorite game, only played two and lost both matches before I gave up that as well. My emotion was spiraling out of control at what happened this morning. I was feeling broken, everything that was last night was now, according to Jane, completely a dream. I was dreaming that I had her and now that continues to still happen, I dream that I'm with her. That I am hers and she is mine and nobody else is in the picture. I should've known. But it doesn't matter, I still love her. I will still continue to love her, she may have rejected me through text, I will know for sure on Sunday at rehearsal whether she really just wanted to only talk at the rehearsals.

As I got into the night it was getting more intolerable, suddenly after one particular Disney movie that had romance involved I lost it. I started crying, hard. And I knew I wouldn't be able to stop for awhile. So I shut down the movie and crawled into bed and just cried. Thinking about how much I was in love with Jane. I even grabbed Wolfie my stuffed animal wolf I usually cuddled with at night and held him tight.

I loved Jane with everything I had in my bones, to every tissue and cell. I couldn't stop thinking about her. She was a drug I couldn't stop taking. I wanted to kiss her and do so much more to her. I also wanted to know everything about her. I had never usually wanted that from someone. I wanted to know about her friends, her family, her passions, her desires, her dreams, her aspirations. But if she was just going to freeze me out would it even be worth it anymore...?

Time passed but I didn't know how long, before I knew it I woke up in a cold sweat. Panicking I jumped out of bed and went to my phone which I had left on my computer desk. It read 3:28am. Great I did fall asleep, well at least I knew I didn't miss work because it was Sunday now. I just had to shut off my computer and get back in bed making sure I set the alarm for the morning. My eyes were all crusty and and I could feel my skin crack under my eyes they also were really tired and hurt a lot. I didn't know how long I had been crying, but it wouldn't be the last time I cried about Jane. This was hurting me so much it felt like my heart was going to rip out of my chest. Wait a minute, my heart was already ripped out. Because it belonged to her. I gave it to her when I kissed her last night, well I guess two nights ago. And so I no longer had a heart anymore. She did and I knew I wasn't probably ever going to get it back.

Finally I fell asleep. I knew nightmares would come, but hopefully I wouldn't even get near the REM sleep cycle to even have them. It didn't matter, I didn't care, and to be be perfectly honest the nightmares in my dreams couldn't be any worse than what I was experiencing in life right now...

 _In the nightmare it started off pretty great, I was having a lovely picnic on a beautiful day in the country with the love of my life, Jane. We were eating a wonderful salad and sandwiches curtisy of me. And then we ended with a delicious green and yellow cake made by Jane. But as the cake was just finishing up there was a cry in the distance. It was a blood curling scream. I quickly looked at Jane and she gave me a worried look. Her eyes told me she was terrified._

 _"Wait here." I got up and raced off into the woods. The screaming became louder so I ran harder. I raced through the woods as fast as Flash and I came up a grueling sight. Blood was everywhere and I almost barfed at the scene. There was something eating a human who had passed out right in front of me. A pool of blood coming out of her stomach and when I arrived the monster looked up at me. It was something inbetween a pale zombie and a blood curling vampire. From behind me there was another scream. It was Jane. The monster in front of me smiled, blood pouring out of his jaws as he walked towards me._

 _"Blargh-reek...Kkkshh..." So it didn't know English and sounded like a zombie. In fact it even walked kind of like one, it more of hobbled towards me and shuffled its feet, I didn't know much more as I had already turned around and raced back to Jane. Deep in my gut I knew something was wrong. I knew that scream. It was her scream, I had heard it before when we had played horror video games and she had a jump scare once in a while. Especially in Alien: Isolation._

 _As I was coming back to our picnic area I saw Jane. She was lying on the ground. Dead. Blood gushing still from her neck. "NOOOOOOOOOOO" I raced to her side, her eyes were starry and she was already gone, her eyes were wide open and looking towards the sky. I should've never left her. Even with a scream that happened in the distance. I cried, hard. She was the love of my life, my wife and I had her killed by those monsters and I felt guilty. I didn't want to live in a world without her, no matter what my survival instinct told me to. I grabbed her hands and kissed them both pressing them to her chest as I closed her eyes and kissed her forehead. I heard movement behind me as I took off my jacket and covered her body. It didn't matter that I wanted to die, I was going to kill those monsters first._

 _Because this was a nightmare a katana suddenly appeared next to Jane's body. I grabbed it and swung with all my might, I knew the monster was behind me and as I swung the blade around and as I did the monster gargled as I split it in two as I stood up. But it didn't die there as the top half the body flew away and the bottom of the body went to its knees. But then something happened, the top half used it's arms to crawl at me slowly, it was still alive. What was worse was that the bottom half stood up as well and kicked me in the shin. Stunned for a bit I jumped back over Jane's body and circled around to the top half. So this was the zombie part of the monster. I then quickly stuck my katana into the back of the head of the monster right as it was about to munch on Jane. "You aren't touching my dead wife again you bitch." The bottom half then rested for good, so I had to focus the brain to destroy the monster cutting it to pieces wouldn't help kill it permanently._

 _So an apocalypse happened, now I was going to kill every one of these until I died. Nobody was going to murder me like they did my wife. I reached into her pocket and pulled out her wallet. There was a picture of us in there that she always kept around. It was on our wedding day. I took it out and put it safely into my front pocket. I'd never leave her image here and she would always be with me now._

 _As I stood up suddenly had hands around me. There wasn't anything I could do. Hands everywhere, I screamed but no one came. Teeth chewed on and broke my skin. Sounds of zombies ringing in my ears. I reached for Jane's hand. I would die here with her by my side. Even if it was the afterlife. I reached and reached for it but I couldn't find it. Suddenly I passed out..._

 **Thank you for reading everyone! I just wanted to keep going, but I had this chapter for a reason with my very imaginative brain. And even if it's all completely untrue, it can't be all roses and rainbows yet! I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter! Even if there was no romance involved this time. Don't worry. This story will have a happy ending. Just gotta wait for it! Thank you and until next time...Happy viewing!**


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